


Seasons (and other stories and drabbles)

by kpoploveralways



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bondage, Dom/sub, Fainting, Help, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, I Don't Even Know, In later chapters - Freeform, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan-centric, M/M, Non-Sexual Bondage, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Poor Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Sensory Deprivation, Sexual Content, Sickfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:07:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 30,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24393289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kpoploveralways/pseuds/kpoploveralways
Summary: Donghyuck saw what others didnt. He watched, and he learned, and he took care of. He would do anything to see those he loved smile, even if it came at the expense of his own happiness. But that was alright. Everything would be alright. Because in the end, they loved him too. And when he couldn't take care of himself, they would step in.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Kim Jungwoo/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Everyone, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Park Jisung, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Zhong Chen Le, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Everyone, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Lee Jeno, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Lee Taeyong, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Moon Taeil, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Na Jaemin, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Nakamoto Yuta, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 95
Kudos: 445





	1. Seasons (part one)

**Author's Note:**

> This is a collection of stories and drabbles that will involve, in one way or another Donghyuck and the other members. I will not write Hyuck being in love with the two youngest members, I don't feel comfortable with that, but anything else goes. Wavy will be added in the tags once they become a part of a drabble, don't worry. Suggestions are welcomed!

Spring was strange. It was warm, yet cold at the same time. Things became green, leaves stopped being brown and dead and instead bloomed into their beautiful green shapes. Flowers grew in the vast spaces they had left when they died during winter. During winter, bad things left, disappeared off of the face of the earth, never to be seen again. During spring, things were reborn. New, budding flowers, tiny trees, and green grass. The sky went from gloomy and dark to light and bright. Renewed, just like everything else around. 

Humans were included in the growth of spring as well, just as they were all other seasons. They thrived during summer, got quiet during autumn and a small part of themselves died, during winter, just like everything else did. And then, during spring, they were reborn, renewed, bright and strong just like everything else. Or, well, at least that was how it was supposed to be. When the hours got longer, the days brighter, the bad moods around them were supposed to be lifted, like a weight lifting off of somebody’s chest. Eyes were supposed to come back to life, skin was supposed to become healthier, weights were supposed to be gained. During spring, so many things were supposed to happen. But sometimes, sometimes, always, never. Sometimes things just. Didn’t go as planned. Sometimes spring was just as disappointing as autumn, and winter. As disappointing as summer too. 

Donghyuck didn’t really notice when it started. He was so used to just moving forward, moving towards the next goal, and the next goal and the next goal. Next. Next. Next. There was no time for bad thoughts to fester, for anything vile to grow in his chest. Smiles came easily, no matter the season. He used to pride himself in being able to make everyone around him feel a little better, a little brighter, a little lighter by just being there for them. Not by saying kind words and being particularly nice, no, that wasn’t Donghyuck’s style at all. Donghyuck loved by being annoying. He would take one single look at Renjun, Jaemin, Mark, Taeyong, and he would see the tense shoulders, the slight shaking in their eyes and the tightly clenched fists. The fake smiles. The stiff hugs. And so he would be annoying. He would tease and tease and tease them until all that hidden hurt and sandess and anger bubbled over, and they would yell at him, scream at him, punish him for their sadness. And Donghyuck stayed quietly by their sides, listened to their scoldings, head down and face still. He stayed by their sides as they broke down in tears, too angry and too upset and too ruined to keep yelling. And then he’d put is hand on their shoulders, rubbing slightly as he apologized over and over again, telling them he knew it wasn’t like that, of course he was just teasing them, they should know that they were doing great, that there was nothing wrong with them. How silly of them to believe in anything Donghyuck ever said, when he was just teasing. And he would watch, as the tense shoulders would relax, and fists unclenched and eyes became a little brighter, a little lighter. He would watch as they took in his, admittedly, quite harsh words, and realize, that he was right. That he was just being an annoying little shit, pressing on all the things he knew would hurt them the most, just like the people who had made them upset in the first place also had done. Because no matter what season, people were often cruel and they would look to hurt people they didn’t even know outside their computer screen as much as they possibly could. Why, Donghyuck didn’t know. He didn't want to dwell on it either. People were stupid, he used to think, and that was that. That was all. And then he’d move on. No use in getting hung up about things he couldn’t control.

But as time went on, it got harder to just ignore what was happening around him. How much the people he loved the most was hurting. How not even his annoying them could get them to feel better. He watched Yuta cry quietly in the bathroom at night, when he thought nobody was watching him. He saw Jungwoo’s anxiety come back out on more occasions than what he would ever like to admit. He watched as Taeil, his oldest and thus wisest hyung, became more and more quiet, how he closed himself off from everyone else. He watched as Johnny, as strong, unwielding Johnny succumbed to the pressure, crying his eyes out in the arms of Ten and Taeyong. He watched them fall, over and over again, and he hurt for them. Somewhere along the way, their pain had become his pain, and their pain hurt more than his own ever would. Somewhere along the way, he started feeling guilty for always being okay, for always being able to move forward without looking back. And so he decided, he would pull them along, would pull them forward until he couldn’t pull anymore. Until they were all infront of him, until they could all walk along by themselves. If he got left behind in the process, then so be it. 

Many thought, Donghyuck looked like the sun, but behaved like winter. Cold, harsh and ever changing as it at the same time always stayed the same. But Donghyuck wasn't like that, not really. Not anymore. Donghyuck had always been a watcher, he always seemed to know and understand things nobody else would notice. Usually, he didn’t do much about his knowledge. It was their problems and he had no business putting his nose in it. But as time went on, as the hurt stayed and nothing was ever dealt with, Donghyuck stepped in.

One night, during one of Yuta’s crying sessions, Donghyuck walked straight into the bathroom, not caring about the quiet gasp as he was noticed. He walked in, washed a cloth in cold water and started dabbing at a shocked Yuta’s face. He didn’t say anything, but his movements were gentle, his eyes kind. When Yuta opened hos mouth to speak, Hyuck shook his head. It was okay. Nothing had to be said. He stayed with Yuta, a quiet support as he older man’s tears slowly stopped flowing, as his quiet sniffling came to and end. Then he took his hand and brought him with him to Taeyong’s bedroom. He opened the door, uncaring of Yuta’s protests, and dragged the man along as he walked up to Taeyong’s bed, shakingg the man awake. As Taeyong groaned and slowly got up into a seated position, Donghyuck turned to Yuta, and gave the man a gentle hug. ”You’ll be okay hyung. You just have to let somebody listen, that’s all. You’re not alone in this”. Then he let go, pushed Yuta towards Taeyong, whose tired confusion had turned into concern, and walked out. Following morning, the two older men spent breakfast looking at him, but Donghyuck pretended not to see. Sometimes, love was putting your nose into other people’s business, only so you could push them into the arms of somebody else. Nobody ever mentioned the incident, but the chocolate Yuta and Taeyong sometimes slipped him during tiring schedules spoke loudly enough. That was enough. 

Donghyuck started pushing people in all kinds of directions, made little nudges in one way or other, so that feelings wouldn’t continue to be ignored. He would teach them to move on, even if they didn’t know it themselves. He was there to nag on Chenle when he didn’t eat enough. He was there to stop Jaemin from practicing until he could no longer stand. He was there to argue with Renjun, letting the other man hurt him in order to feel better. He let him put him in headlocks, punch him hard enough on his arms that it left bruises behind, bruises he hid because he would never let Renjun know. He let harsh words wash over him and he took it all with grace. Donghyuck could handle it. He knew Renjun loved him, and that was enough. He let Jeno cry on his shoulder when he needed to, never saying anything other than quiet hums of love, holding him tightly until the cries turned into sniffles, which then turned into a small smile. He would take hold of Jisung’s hand, Jisung, who hated kinship, and squeeze, just enough to make him break out of whatever thought was hurting him at that moment. He would scream at Mark, let the older man get so angry he was shouting at the top of his lungs, just so that he could let out some of that steam he never showed the world. Then, as Mark would sneak into his room later, to apologize, he would only smile at his hyung, and shake his head. ”Shouldn’t have provoked you hyung. I know you are stressed. I’m sorry for causing you additional hurt. I love you, no matter if you yell at me or not”. And Mark would tear up slightly, pat his head, and then he would leave the room, quietly, ever looking back, like he was never there in the first place. And it was okay. Donghyuck handled it fine. Mark tried his hardest, and that was enough. 

He would nag Doyoung and Jungwoo into eating with him, making them pay for food he knew they wanted to he pretended to be craving, and then he would sit there and smile as the two older men talked their heads off. Once it got late enough, he would slowly stand up, stretch, go fetch a couple (many) of soju bottles, put them down infront of his hyungs, and then he would leave them to themselves. He knew when he was needed, and he knew when he needed to go. Much later, he would poke his head through the door, watch the pair sit close together, eyes closed, tears drying on their cheeks as they held on to each other. And Donghyuck would nod to himself, pleased with the results, and go to bed. The next day, when Doyoung and Jungwoo sat at the breakfast table, sunglasses on to protect their aching eyes, nobody said anything. But they watched as spring had somehow melted some of the cold winter away, and left a little life in its place. And they’d wonder how it had happened, and nobody but the two of them would know. And Donghyuck would smile, just a little bit, before concentrating on his breakfast. 

Sometimes, he would indulge Johnny and come to the gym with him, conveniently dragging Taeyong, who had sat dejectedly and alone on the couch, with him. Then, after working out for about fifteen minutes, he would sneak out, only to return ten minutes later with some of the goods from the bakery down the street. Johnny would groan in exasperation, whilst Taeyong’s entire body would light up with joy. Then, they would huddle in a corner of a park and wolf down the goods. Johnny and Taeyong handled most of the conversation, Donghyuck content with nibbling on his overly sweet cinnamon bun. The two older would, during these conversations, often talk about things that were troubling them, not really meaning to ignore the younger, but somehow still did. Donghyuck didn’t mind, that was his intention all along, after all. He would sit there, or sometimes lie down in the grass, and enjoy the sound of their low voices. When they returned to the dorm, he would cling onto both of them, holding their hands and smiling extra much, only to leave them to cuddle by themselves on the couch. They didn’t need him for that. They only needed each other.

Taeil was the person with whom Donghyuck had the hardest time getting to relax. The oldest man was incredibly closed off, and didn't let people close unless he absolutely needed to. But Donghyuck could see the stress in him just as easily as he could with the others. He saw the heartache, and the pain, and the worry, and no matter how long it would take, Donghyuck would find a way. He would bring some spring into this hyung as well. It took time, and it was difficult, but eventually Hyuck found an answer, and it was easy as breathing. All Taeil needed, was love. Donghyuck would put his hyung on the sofa, practically smother him as he lied down on top of him, and put on a movie, or a Tv-show, and then they wouldn’t move for hours. When one thing ended, they just put on something new. And once Donghyuck finally rose, Taeil’s eyes were usually a bit red, a bit teary, but Hyuck would pretend not to see. Because his hyung also looked happier than he had in a long time, and that was enough for him. Small flowers of hope had bloomed in Taeil’s chest, and eventually, when summer came, those flowers would be beautiful. 

Donghyuck spent all him time, all his energy on his job and on his members. He smothered them in all the love he could muster, as subtle as that love may be, and he watched as they slowly, but surely, got better. He watched as the cold started melting, giving way for green to grow. And Donghyuck was happy. But he should have known. He should have known loving everybody else and ignoring himself would have a price. And he had known. But in his mind, it was all worth it, and he would do it again in a heart beat. One of their smiles was worth a thousand of his own tears. In order to save the others, Donghyuck willingly forgot about himself. He didn’t even notice as his health started deteriorating. As his body became thinner, hair more dry than it had been in months. He didn’t notice the telltale signs, because they were slow and steady and he was focused on other things. But once it hit him, it hit him hard.

Donghyuck woke up, that one morning, feeling like he had no warmth left in his body, and for the first time of his life, he wondered if he wasn’t winter after all. His body aching, head spinning, nose running. Donghyuck was sick, so sick, and he had never been busier in his life. All of them were busy.  
”Fucking damnit” he mumbled to himself as he got out of bed. The world tilted slightly as he stood, but he determinedly ignored it. He would get through this, and nobody would ever know. It would be fine.  
Donghyuck should have known, it wasn’t fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is end of part one! Part two, where we will get to see what happened to Hyuck, will be uploaded sometime in the near future I hope. I hope you enjoyed! English isn't my first language, so I apologize if there are any weird mistakes. I am also a shit writer, so I apologize for the mess this was. Have a lovely day!


	2. See no, hear no, speak no (x)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donghyuck sometimes wished words would stop speaking to him so loudly. Love fixed it, in the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains elements of bondage, and sensory deprivation. It is in no way sexual. There is only love. I am quite proud of this one, even though it's a mess. The (x) in the chapter name suggests there might be topics that for some people will be sensitive. See the beginning of the chapter for better notes.
> 
> This is NOT a continued chapter of seasons. Part two of that will come soon. This is its own story, in no way correlating with Seasons. Everything I post will be like that, unless stated otherwise.

Chapter pairing: Donghyuck & the rest of NCT. 

WARNING: This story handles a few different themes. I did not mean to write Donghyuck as depressed, and in my head, he isn’t, but he isn’t always nice to himself so please be careful when you read this and don’t do it if it triggers you. Be safe.

WARNING NUMBER TWO: In my stories, I want to explore parts of lifestyles that I find interesting in a safe way. This story will contain elements of bondage and sensory deprivation, and if you are in any way uncomfortable with such things please don’t read this. I would also like to make clear, that this story is in no way sexual in nature, it explores the non-sexual parts of bondage as a way of dealing with stress. 

For future reference, all chapter names marked with an (x) will explore a topic that might be, for some people, sensitive. Clearer warnings will exist in the beginning of every such chapter. 

Safe reading, everyone!

Donghyuck didn’t handle stress very well, initially. Not by himself, and Donghyuck had always been too stubborn and headstrong to ask somebody else to help him get out of his head. Whenever something happened, Donghyuck ground his teeth close together, and moved forward. He tried not looking back on the things that upset him, that angered him, that made him wish existence was just a white cloud of nothing only so that he could fucking breath. But it was hard to never look back, and sometimes, Donghyuck failed. Lately, he seemed to have been failing often.

Joining NCT had been a dream come true, and don’t misunderstand, it still was. Donghyuck loved being a singer, he loved dancing on stage and he loved the bond he had between all his members. But that didn’t stop the angry words from fans who were clearly miserable themselves from making their way into his heart. The words hurt him, more than actions ever had. Words were strange, in Donghyuck’s opinion. They filled every single crevice of his life. They existed in variety shows, in all the songs they sang, in all the messages they wrote. Just like words existed for everybody else. A short sentence could bring so much joy into somebody’s life, while it could ruin someone else’s. Sometimes, words did both. They gave and they took, they hurt and they healed. They were always there, no matter how much one could try to shut them out. They were always there, and they always would be. And while Donghyuck wanted that to be okay, he could never really make himself believe it. Because, if it was okay for words to just exist, take what they took and give what they gave, why did they sometimes, often, hurt so much?

Since joining NCT, since words became such a huge part of his existence, it got harder and harder to ignore the hurt. Before NCT, words had been Donghyuck’s way to cope. He listened to songs that made him cry over and over again, until no tears were left. Then he put on music that made him happy, and let the words resonate within him. He listened to all the songs that made him happy, until the tear tracks had dried on his face and he could move on. It was simple. Donghyuck liked simple. After NCT, he no longer could use words to save himself, to fix himself. Because while he still loved them, words, they were also the thing that hurt him the most. Donghyuck no longer had a way to cope. 

He tried everything. He tried running, working out with Johnny until he felt like he would faint. Ugly, the words would still whisper as he looked himself in the mirror. He tried going to a café with Jungwoo, or Taeil, and while it helped for a while, all their words made his brain tired, and when he got back to the dorms, the words still managed to whisper fat. He tried dancing to instrumental music but that just made the words whisper pathetic. How pathetic, to run from us like that. And it didn’t feel right, because music that made him the happiest contained words, and to try and make himself happy with instrumental music was like stomping on a piece of his heart. Pathetic. Dongyuck tried meditation, even, but there was too much movement, to much distraction, too much of being alone with his own head. All Donghyuck wanted, was for someone to hold him down, tightly, and tell him everything would be alright. Who would cover his eyes, muffle his hearing, ending his words, and tell him he would be okay. But Donghyuck had never been good at asking for help. He still wasn’t. And so he kept trying to handle it by himself. 

Something he found to be kind of working, was adrenaline. Doing something so stupid that it got his head rushing and his blood singing somehow made everything disappear, even just for a moment. In those moments, Donghyuck felt lighter. It never lasted though, the stress and the words and the worry never failed to return to him once his breathing had calmed and he was laying down in bed. The tears never failed to return either. The longer it went on, the more desperate Donghyuck became. He didn’t know what to do, and he didn’t want to tell anyone else about his worries since he knew that they were stressed as well. So Donghyuck continued to hunt adrenaline, chasing it down like someone searching for something precious they had lost. Eventually Donghyuck didn’t know if he was chasing down the adrenaline, hunting for the calm or simply looking for his happiness. 

All days were not bad. Some days were great, and most days were good. He smiled easily, looked after the younger people in the group and let the older dote on him when they felt like it (which wasn’t often, but Donghyuck liked to indulge them when they did). He laughed and joked and felt good. Words didn’t hurt him as badly when he was surrounded by people who loved him, people he loved back just as much. During those times, without even noticing it himself, his mind was calm, his heart was full. It wasn’t until late at night, when Johnny had fallen asleep and Donghyuck was laying there, staring at the ceiling, that the words returned. Disappointing. Bad. Never good enough. Tired. Exhausted. Donghyuck started sneaking out at night once he got too tired of not sleeping and just letting himself wallow in pity. He took his skateboard, pulled up his hoody, and rode down the more dangerous roads of Seoul. It was dangerous, and incredibly stupid, and could end so, so badly. But it was also freeing. The wind blew in his hair and he felt, even if just for a moment, a bit lighter. Once his head had calmed, he snuck back inside, exhausted, and immediately after washing up, he fell asleep. 

But eventually, his little outings of freedom came to an end. Usually his little outings went unnoticed, but Donghyuck should have know that someone would notice him gone eventually. And once someone did, all hell broke loose. Donghyuck had just stopped for a little breather, staring up at the moon in a safer part of the city, when his phone rang. Donghyuck didn’t always bring it, not wanting it to disturb his peace, but that night for reasons unknown even to himself, he had brought it along. And once he dared taking it out of his pocket and look at the screen he knew he was screwed. Johnny. Johnny was calling him, and once it stopped ringing he saw the countless unanswered messages that littered his phone. Mark had messaged him over 20 times, Taeyong just as many. Every single one of his members asking him, ”Donghyuck, where in the living hell are you”. 

The phone rang again, as Donghyuck started making his way back to the dorms. He went fast, breathing ragged not only from the exercise but also from the fear. Them noticing his sneaking out would mean him needing to explain things. It would mean them being angry with him, disappointed in him for being such a failure. The phone stopped ringing, and then it rang again. Again, and again and again, until Donghyuck was finally back at the dorms, running up the stairs with his phone clutched in one hand and the skateboard in another. He punched in the door code, and swung the door open. Once he made it inside, he was met with a fully lit apartment, all his members except for Taeyong, Johnny and Mark huddled in the living room. Donghyuck stared at him, wide eyed, and they stared back in quiet shock. Then, there was an array of movement, and Donghyuck was enveloped in Jaehyun’s strong arms. Donghyuck dropped his skateboard, and hesitantly hugged his hyung back. Once he felt Jaehyun shaking in his arms though, he hugged harder, tightening his grip. Jaehyun started mumbling calming words in his ear, a mix of relieved murmuring and reassurances that he was loved and that Jaehyun was so glad that he way okay. And oh. It wasn’t Jaehyun that was shaking. It was him. 

While they stood there, hugging, he could hear Doyoung in the background, talking on the phone. ”He’s back, he came running back just now. No. I don’t know. He looks fine, but he’s shaking. I think he’s cold. Yeah. Okay. Me too, but I’m going to kill him. He’s dead.”

Donhyuck shuddered at the words, but was distracted as Jungwoo also wrapped himself around him. Eventually, he ended up on the couch, his members pressed tightly against him. He was sitting in Yuta’s lap, who had refused to let go of him once he hugged him. The tears had long since stopped, and Donghyuck felt warm, and loved. He was still scared, still worried about the scolding he was about to receive, but at the same time, he felt relieved. Finally, he would have to talk. Finally, he no longer would have to be alone. 

The door opened, and Donghyuck watched as the last of members came running in. Johnny went straight into Yuta’s personal bubble, lifted Donghyck up and away and smothered him in the tightest hug he could muster. ”Don’t you ever, ever, do something like that again. Please Donghyuck. I was so worried, I thought my heart would jump out of my chest when I woke up and I couldn’t find you. I love you, you know that right? I love you so much but Hyuck, never do this again”. Donghyuck simply buried his head into the other’s neck, and nodded along to the words. He wouldn’t do it again. Not when it made his most badass hyung this upset. 

Taeyong was next, looking over Donghyuck for a long time, searching for injuries, before enveloping him in a soft, sweet hug. He whispered confessions of love in his ear, and if any of them noticed the tears slip out of Donghyuck’s eyes, no one mentioned them. Then Mark took him into his arms, squeezing him to tightly he felt like he couldn’t breathe, but oh, how good it felt. The constriction was calming, in a sense. The feeling of being held together so tightly he didn’t need to do it himself. He felt himself relax into the hug, letting out a soft sigh, which only made Mark hold on to him tighter. Eventually, they ended up on the couch, Donghyuck this time sitting in Mark’s lap, with Yuta holding his hand. And Donghyuck talked. He explained why he had been outside, that it wasn’t the first time (”Donhyuck!!”), but that he wouldn’t do it again, not after seeing them so upset. He explained why things had been so hard lately, that he had trouble sleeping because he couldn’t seem to make the words shut up. He told them about the adrenaline journeys, where he had ridden his skateboard. He talked about the loneliness, the fear of disappointing them, the need to always be strong. He told them everything, and it was the most freeing thing he had done since he started his adrenaline huntings. He also apologized for making them worry, for not telling them earlier. He trusted them, he did, but he was just so scared. He didn’t want them to be angry with him by telling them he was stressed, because they all were stressed. 

His members listened. They cried with him and they held him tight as he let out all his worries. They let him know, that while he had made them worried sick by sneaking out and that measures would be taken to ensure he would never do such a thing ever again (”Your skateboard will be confiscated until future notice”), they still loved him. That them being worried and angry would never stop them from loving him. They also let him know that it was okay to be stressed, that they would never be angry with him for feeling like he wasn't always enough. That it was okay, to be human. They told him over and over again, that they loved him. And Donghyuck believed them. He loved them too, more than he loved anything. They made him feel safe. When he told them this, none of them said anything, but the love and devotion and shiny eyes spoke loudly enough. 

They talked for a long time, his members promising they would help him find a better outlet for his stress. Once they had finished talking, Taeyong and Mark brought him to the bathroom to wash up and brush his teeth and get into comfortable clothing. Mark back hugged him the entire time he was brushing his teeth, and Hyuck sagged in comfort as he was held just as tightly as before. He didn’t notice Taeyong’s contemplative look in the mirror, but Mark did. Once they had put Donghyuck down in bed, and stayed with him until he fell asleep, the pair walked back into the living room where the rest of them were still waiting. Once they had all gotten comfortable, Taeyong opened his mouth. ”While we were washing up I noticed how Donghyuck gets really relaxed when he is held very tightly, which got me thinking. He told us about how he just wanted to be held down and let everything be taken away, and there is a simple way of doing such a thing. We all know there is. We’ve done it to Yuta, a couple of times. Johnny has done it to me. I’ve done it to Doyoung. Maybe it’s time, we talk about doing it with Donghyuck”.

”I think it’s a good idea” Mark said. ”However, I don’t think just tying him down will be enough. From what he said, he need all senses occupied with something other than his mind”. 

The group spent the late night throwing ideas back and forth, and when they finally went to bed in the early morning, they had a solid plan. They pitched their idea with Hyuck in the morning, and while Donghyuck had known about the others dabbling in similar things the thought had never occurred to him that he could try it himself. He asked about how things would work out, and they explained it very clearly to him. Someone would be there the entire time, he’d never be alone. If he wanted out he would squeeze the hand holding his and everything would immediately stop. They gave him countless web pages where he could read up on it all and get an idea about whether or not he would like to try it. They also tried small things with him. Holding him tightly against Taeyong’s chest, hands squashed between them. Tying his legs together while watching TV. Wearing a blind fold in the car, while someone was petting his hair. Using noise canceling head phones to block out noises. 

And it worked. Surprisingly, but maybe not surprisingly at all, it worked. Every time they tried something, Donghyuck’s entire body would relax, his surroundings getting a little fuzzy as his brain calmed down. The words, no longer bothering him. Love all around him, holding his hands and petting his head and breathing the same air. Eventually, Donghyuck was ready to try it for real, the entire thing. He felt safe trying it out with the people he loved the most, he knew they would take care of him, love him, not leave him alone. They would be there before, during, after. They wouldn’t leave. He’d be okay, he’s be perfect, because they loved him, and he loved them too. 

Unsurprisingly, Johnny took the lead in the beginning. Donghyuck was sitting in Johnny’s bed, undressed down to his underwear, breathing deeply. They had checked, double checked, made sure everyone knew the safe word. Donghyuck wanted this. He had never wanted anything more in his entire life. Johnny tied him up with expert hands, the rope soft against his limbs yet binding him tightly. His ankles were tied up together, as were his knees, and thighs. His big toes were also tied up, to each other then connected to the rope binding his ankles. He could no longer move his feet, except for a slight twitching of his unbound toes. Then rope wrapped around his arms, tying them together over his chest. His forearms laying next to each other, connected so tightly he could barely move them at all. Tight, but not tight enough to cut off blood flow. One of his hands were put into a fist, and then put into a soft mitten that made all movements impossible. His other hand, was free. Then they put the collar around his neck, making movements of his head limited. The collar was wide, but comfortable, and he could still breath easily. The more constricted his body was, the more he relaxed. It was nice, being held so tightly. 

Donghyuck was then being moved, into the arms of Yuta, were he would stay during the session. Yuta was wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt. He was warm, comfortable and he smelled like home. Hyuck found himself relaxing further. Then, it was time for his mouth. This had been his own idea, and the others had indulged him, wanting to make this as good as possible for him. The ball gag was large, filled with holes to ensure easy breathing, but not large enough to hurt his jaw too much. Donghyuck loved it. It stopped him from forming words, and it felt good. He could just be quiet, not needing to keep up appearances. The others would take care of him, he could just let himself feel. Then, came his hearing. The noise canceling head phones were put on, and immediately all noise ceased from the outside world. Initially, Donghyuck had thought that would be scary, but the silence was much more calming than at night, when he was alone with his head. And besides, he wasn’t alone this time. They were all there with him. He didn’t need it, he didn’t need his hearing to hear their words of love. He already knew, in his heart. 

Sight came last, and the others let him get used to the sensation of being completely immobilized, before even bringing out the blind fold. He looked up at Taeyong standing there, holding up the blind fold, his head a cotton ball, and watched as he mouthed the words ”okay?”. Donghyuck let himself take stock of himself. He could shake his head slightly as a no for the blindfold, or he could squeeze the hand holding his, Jungwoo’s hand, for everything to stop. But Donghyuck wanted it. He craved it. And so he blinked slowly, twice. Yes. Taeyong smiled lovingly, and then he slowly put the blind fold over Hyuck’s eyes. The world went dark around Donghyuck, and he finally, finally, felt the last of the lingering tension in his body disappear. Everything was calm, and quiet. He couldn’t move, couldn’t see, couldn’t speak. Couldn’t hear, couldn’t think. All he could do was feel. He felt a hand moving through his hair, petting him just the way he liked it. He felt a hand, Jaehyun’s hand, touching his bound feet lightly. He could feel Yuta’s strong presence behind him, Jungwoo’s warm hand in his. He could feel the rest of his members around him, their love surrounding him like a protecting cloud. 

True to their words, they never left him alone. They stayed him the entire time he was lying there (90 minutes for a first time), helping him relax further in their love. His mind was calm, the words silent. Sometimes, another hand would hold onto him, another hand would be petting his hair or touching his feet. Sometimes changing, but never leaving. Always staying there with him. Donghyuck was safe, there with them. He had never been more sure about anything in his entire life. 

The first thing to come back was sight. Nimble fingers slowly pulled the blindfold off, Taeil looking down on him in the dimly lit room with adoration in his eyes. Then his hearing came back, and the only words resonating around him was words of how good he had been, how proud they were and how much they loved him. Then, the gag was taken out, and Hyuck’s own declarations of love joined the others. The rope was slowly unravelled, hands carefully rubbing feeling back into him limbs, mouths pressing light kisses into sensitive skin. Lotion was put on, Taeyong made sure everything was alright, Donghyuck answering as well as he could with his cotton brain. He was accompanied to the bathroom, and then taken back to his room where Mark was waiting. He sank into his arms, and was asleep within seconds.

Donghyuck had let himself let go, had let the others take care of him instead of carrying his burdens all by himself. He had let the ropes hold him down, let his members hold him as he was vulnerable, and it had felt freeing. He had let his senses getting taken away, the words that kept hurting him taken away with them. Once the senses came back, only words of love remained. There had been fingers in his hair, the love around him telling him everything would be alright. They had been there with him, when he returned to the world, telling him that he would be okay. That they loved him, were proud of him. And this time, Donghyuck believed them. He would be alright, eventually. Because he was strong enough to be. Because they loved him, and he loved them back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this, and I'm sorry if you're disappointed this wasn't an update on Seasons. Hopefully, this was okay too. Take care of yourselves darlings!


	3. Seasons (part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I do realize I am posting this a lot later than what I expected, and for that I sincerely apologize. As we say here in Sweden, ”livet kom emellan” (exact translation: life came in between, which essentially means ”life happened”). I do hope you’ll enjoy this though, I tried as well as I could. Some of you will probably notice I am referencing when Donghyuck had the flu earlier this year, but I’ve changed a lot of the details. Enjoy!

They were in Japan, rehearsing for their concert for hours every day. Donghyuck had noticed before they left South Korea that he was probably catching a cold, but he had never imagined that it would be this bad. Everything hurt. He looked down at his hands, standing in the shower, where he was trying to forcibly wash the sickness away, and noticed that they were shaking. The world around him was a bit blurry, which it shouldn’t have been since he was wearing his contacts, and his hearing was oddly muffled. Too late, Donghyuck understood that he was about to pass out. Black spots started to appear in his vision, and he dropped the shampoo bottle, the sound echoing in loudly between the bathroom walls. Donghyuck tried in desperation to grab onto something to hold on to, but his hands were slippery and his grip weak. He felt his knees bend underneath him, no longer able to hold his weight, and he fell down on the hard bathroom tiles. It probably should have hurt, but Donghyuck was too out of it to notice, and with a finality that was achingly similar to relief, his vision went black. 

He couldn’t have been unconscious for more than a few seconds, because he startled awake from the loud banging on the bathroom wall. Oh. Jungwoo, his roommate, had probably noticed him falling. Fuck, Hyuck thought to himself, how was he supposed to explain this without letting anyone know ow sick he actually was?

”Donghyuck!” Yeah, that was definitely Jungwoo. ”Are you okay? I heard a loud bang, did you fall?” And just like that, Jungwoo solved all Donghyuck’s problems. 

”Yeah” he managed to get out weakly. ”I slipped, somehow. I don’t know what happened myself, the floor must be a lot more slippery than what I expected”. 

”Fuck” Jungwoo said, to Donghyuck’s amusement. Jungwoo never swore. The door handle jingled, but the door was locked. ”Hyuck, I need you to listen to me carefully. Is anything hurting? Did you hit your head when you fell? The door is locked, so you’re going to have to open the door for me, okay? But I need you to take stock first. If you think you hit your head, don’t move”. 

Donghyuck tried to think. Did he hit his head when he passed out? His head was aching, but it felt more like sickness than hurt from a fall. He was probably fine, right? ”No, I don’t think so hyung” he answered as sincerely as his guilty mind could. ”My ass kinda hurts but everything else is pretty good (horrible more like). I’ll try getting up now”. 

”Okay, just please be careful, okay?” Jungwoo sounded worried. Donghyuck felt horrible, for lying to his hyung, and for worrying him. Mostly for worrying him. Donghyuck was supposed to be the sun, always bringing some summer to the people he cared about most. He wasn’t supposed to be the one worried about. He was supposed to be the one who made everyone else’s lives just a little bit easier. He had to be strong for them, so that they could be strong for themselves. He had to be fine, there was no other option. He just had to get through the concert, and then he could rest up before the next comeback. He’d be fine. He had to be fine. 

Donghyuck got up slowly. His leg, the one he broke a year earlier, was aching slightly and he could see a bruise forming on his shoulder from where he hit it when he passed out. The room spun as he got into a standing position, but this time Hyuck held onto his consciousness for dear life. He would be fine. Slowly, he moved wrapped a towel around his waste and another around his shoulders, and he made his was towards the door. He just managed to unlock it and then Jungwoo barged in. The older man grabbed onto Hyuck’s shoulders and looked him up and down several times, searching for visible injuries. Donghyuck was glad he had just showered, the cold water having slightly cooled down his feverish skin. 

”Are you sure you’re okay” Jungwoo questioned. ”I could call a manager and he could take you to a hospital?” 

”No! No, I’ll be fine. I feel okay, just a little achy from falling, but I’m okay”. Donghyuck caressed his hyung’s cheek carefully. ”Sorry for worrying you, hyung, that was never my intention”. 

”I know Hyuck, you never worry us purposefully. Just promise me you won’t lock the door again when you shower? We have rules against that and you know it. What if you had been really hurt, and need immediate help?”

Donghyuck hung his head down. He did know about the rules, Taeyong had been very clear when they started living together that no doors would be locked when showering, since the bathroom floor was very slippery and it was dangerous. ”I locked on auto pilot hyung, I wasn’t thinking”. He could feel his eyes tear up slightly. Stupid, he always got so emotional when he was ill. It was like rain had taken over his body and had to find a way out. ”I’m really sorry”.

Jungwoo’s eyes widened slightly, and then he immediately brought Hyuck into a gentle hug. ”No no no baby, don’t cry. It’s okay. It’s okay. I was just scared okay, I didn’t mean to make you upset alright? It’s okay, you’re okay. You got out okay, everything is okay. Shh, don’t cry darling, save your tears for worse days”.

It took some time, but Donghyuck eventually managed to stop crying, and when he did, he gave Jungwoo an apologetic smile. The older man just ruffled his hair and told him to get dressed, since they were in a hurry. Donghyuck dressed in the warmest yet coziest clothes he had, and then he clung onto Jungwoo as they made their way to the elevator. He was sick and emotional and his body was freezing and achy, and Jungwoo was warm and soft and everything nice. When they got down to the lobby, the others were waiting for them. It was very early in the morning, so there were no other people there. 

”Finally” Taeyong said with an exasperated smile. ”We thought we would have to come collect you, what took you so long?”

”Jungwoo sighed, and petted Donghyuck’s hair. ”We had a bit of a situation. Hyuckie slipped and fell in the shower”. 

”What?!” The exclamations came from several of their members. Taeyong hurried over two the pair and looked worriedly at Donghyuck. ”Are you okay baby” he asked softly, patting his cheek gently. Donghyuck just nodded, and leaned into the touch. Taeyong frowned a little at the heat radiating from his flushed cheeks, and brought his hand up to the younger’s forehead. He was burning, and was looking at his hyung with guilty, shiny eyes. ”Hyuck” Taeyong said, gently yet with his no nonsense voice, ”are you sick?” Donghyuck startled out of Jungwoo’s hold and stumbled back, having a hard time holding his balance. If possible, he felt even worse than before, but he still resolutely shook his head. 

”No! I just showered with really warm water!”

Jungwoo looked at Donghyuck, realizing what was going on based on what Donghyuck had said earlier. ”Your face wasn’t hot after the shower Hyuck, it was cool. You probably showered in cold water in order to cool down, isn’t that right?” Donghyuck looked like he was about to deny the claim, but Jungwoo was having none of it. He had already suspected Hyuck was getting sick, and now slipping in she shower, something Donghyuck had never done before, started to sound more like a cover up than anything else. ”Don’t lie to me Hyuck, please. We only want to help you”. 

Donghyuck looked at his hyungs, who all looked back at him worriedly, and he closed his eyes in order to not let the tears come through. Why had he let Taeyong touch his face? Stupid, stupid, stupid. ”I am so sorry” he mumbled out. ”I didn’t want you guys to worry about me, you’re not supposed to worry about me. I’m supposed to be fine. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I don’t want to be a burden, I promise I can do the concert regardless. I.. I” Donghyuck had a hard time breathing, the panic and sickness not the best combination. He felt dizzy again, and when he opened his eyes, blurry with tears, the world was spinning around him. ”Oh” he managed to get out. Suddenly, everything felt weirdly detached. ”I think I’m gonna pass out again”. The immediate transition from a bit of anger to panic in Taeyong’s eyes was almost comical to watch, but Hyuck was too out of it to understand the implication. This time, when his vision went black, he was caught by his leader’s strong arms. The last thing he heard was a mix between pleadings that he stayed awake and an exclamation from Mark about ”What did he mean with ’pass out again’ ” and then everything became dark, and quiet. Donghyuck sunk down into the dark peacefully, like a leaf landing on the cold, wet autumn ground.

When Donghyuck returned to consciousness, it was to a white ceiling and a hard, yet cozy bed. He was in a hospital. He had screwed up royally this time. As he looked around the room, he saw one of his manager’s sitting on a chair in a corner of the room. ”Hyung” he managed to get out with a hoarse voice. His manager immediately flew up from the chair and made his way to his bed, grabbing Hyuck’s outstretched hand with one of his own and pressed the button next to Donghyuck’s bed with his other in order to alert the hospital personel that Hyuck was awake. As they waited for the doctor to come Donghyuck took stock of himself. He still felt absolutely miserable, but the IV-line in his arm had evidently helped with the dizziness. His head felt a little clearer as well, and it didn’t ache nearly as much as before. Once the doctor came in, he gave Hyuck a gentle smile. The translator standing next to him, explained to Donghyuck and his mananger that Hyuck had the flu. Donghyuck’s fever had been really high, but they had come to the hospital in time and his temperature was now at a manageable level thanks to the IV. The doctor also explained that he was free to go back to the hotel whenever he felt ready. He also found out he had gotten a bump on his head from the shower incident, and some nasty bruises, but thankfully no concussion. ”Does that mean I can participate in the concert?” Donghyuck questioned hopefully, but got an immediate negative from doctor and manager alike. Shortly after, the doctor took out the IV and then left the room with a wish for a speedy recovery. Donghyuck could feel his eyes getting teary, for the millionth time that day. 

”Oh Hyuck” his manager sighed seeing the tears. ”I know you’re disappointed, but no one is going to let you perform in this condition. You’ve been here for several hours, and when we got here your condition was really bad. What you need is rest, and lots of it. I’m not going to scold you for lying to us, because I can see how upset you are and I’m sure you’ll get scolded enough by your members. But I am going to tell you that you don’t have to carry every burden by yourself. You cannot be responsible for everyone else’s happiness, especially not at the cost of your own health”. His manager then dried his tears away with a napkin and ruffled his hair. ”Let’s get out of here, yeah? You’ll be more comfortable in the hotel bed than you are here.” 

When they got back to the hotel, Donghyuck was immediately put down in bed with an order to stay there unless he wanted to go to the bathroom, and that if he felt the least bit dizzy he would call his manager first to help him. He was still angry at himself for missing the concert and scared and upset that he had worried everyone. But he had been reassured time and time again, that everyone wanted him to rest and not force himself through the concert. That nobody was mad at him for missing the concert. And so Donghyuck felt slightly more at ease, and fell asleep knowing that nobody would blame him for missing the concert, and that he finally would be allowed to rest. His members would perform perfectly regardless, because they were professional and they had practiced for the concert for a really long time. They would be fine, and Donghyuck was so proud of them.

Once he finally woke up again, several hours later, it was to a blurry world and a wet rag on his forehead. He could hear worried whispering around him from all his members, which meant the concert had to be over. Donghyuck forced his eyes open and looked around the room, at his members sitting around him. Mark was sitting next to him on the bed, looking down at him worriedly. ”Hey baby” Mark said with a soft smile. ”Your temperature is pretty high again, but not high enough to go back to the hospital yet. We’re going to try cooling you down, we’re preparing a cold bath for you.” Donghyuck looked at Mark with a pout. 

”I’m already cold” he whined quiet but Mark was having none of it. 

”I know darling, but you don’t really have a choice unless you want to go back to the hospital. We’ll be there with you the entire time, I promise.”

The bath was not a pleasant experience for anyone involved. Donghyuck was shaking from the cold as he laid in the freezing water, slow tears making their way down his cheeks. He was miserable and sick and he hated the cold water, but Taeyong’s warm hand in his and Yuta’s careful hands running through his hair made it slightly better. The other members’ constant comforting presence also made it easier to bare with the cold that was seeping into his bones. Whilst he was submerged in winter, the people around him were was rays of sunlight, a promise of better times. 

Once he was allowed out of the bath, temperature successfully lowered, he was tucked into bed with Johnny cuddled up next to him. Johnny was like a furnace, and Donghyuck curled in as close as he could to the heat. Johnny, not usually one to appreciate Donghyuck’s clinginess, just pulled him closer and tucked him safely into his chest. He then rested his chin on top of Hyuck’s head. Donghyuck fell back asleep feeling warm, comfortable and loved.

The next couple of days were miserable. Because Donghyuck was so sick, he wouldn't be allowed on board the airplane taking them back to Korea and thus had to stay in Japan for a few days extra. His members, although protesting loudly, were all forced to back home and continue schedules as usual. Donghyuck spent those days laying in bed, resting, getting constantly checked up on by the manager who stayed with him. He had to go back to the hospital once, when his temperature once again got dangerously high, which made his members at home even more worried than before. 

”I swear” Mark said during a phone call, ”I will come back if you ask me to. Fuck management, I don’t give a fuck if they don’t want me to go. If you want me there, I will come.”

Donghyuck smiled. ”Oh Markie, nothing would make me happier than seeing you and the rest again, but there is absolutely no way you’ll manage to come here without someone stopping you. I won’t let you either, because you’re needed back home. We chose this job, and we’ll just have to bare with the consequences. And besides, I’ll be back home soon, Manager thinks we’ll be able to fly back in a couple of days.”

”You’re feeling better?”

”Not really. But at this point we don’t really have much of a choice. I’ll stuff myself with medication and pray that it’ll keep things in check until we reach Korea.” 

”..Okay. I get your point I guess. I just worry a lot about you, you know. You never really get sick and when you passed out in the lobby I freaked the fuck out. I didn’t even know you were feeling under the weather but you were bad enough to loose consciousness Hyuck! I just want to make sure something like that will never happen again. I would wrap you up in bubble wrap and never let you out of my sight ever again if I could. You’re my best friend Hyuck and the others and I love you a lot, okay? When you’re struggling you’re supposed to let us know, so we can help you. You’re always helping us through things, you always put everyone else before yourself. But that needs to stop. You’re ruining yourself by caring too much about everyone else and nothing at all about yourself. You’re not supposed to be the only one helping everyone else, we are supposed to be helping you as well. So please let us, when you get back home Hyuck. Please?”

Donghyuck sniffled a little, a bit teary eyes from what Mark had said to him. ”Yeah, okay” he whispered. ”I’m really sorry I didn’t tell any of you anything. It’s not that I don’t trust you guys, because I do, but you’ve all been struggling so much and I just wanted to help. You guys are like summer to me. Warm and bright and sunlight, laughter and playing and fun. But a while ago I noticed that more and more harsh winds and icy cold and moody clouds had made their way into you guys’ lives and I hated seeing you all go through that. So I tried to help as much as I could, so that summer could return to your eyes. But I guess I forgot about myself while doing that because I was so busy looking after all of you. I didn't even consider how you guys might have felt when I stopped sharing my shit with you, I just thought it would be one less thing to worry about. But I realize how stupid that is, to just assume you guys’ feeling like that, and I’m really sorry for doing so. I just love all of you so much and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do in order to make you happy. I just thought that if seeing you happy would mean having to ignore my own well-being for a while, then so be it. I’m really sorry, Mark.”

Mark sighed into the phone. ”Oh stupid, of course you’d think like that. You’ve always been too kind for your own good, so used to putting everyone else before yourself that you don’t see anything wrong with doing so. I guess we’ll just have to make up for all your kindness once you get back. You’ll be so pampered, you won’t even need to lift a finger”.

”Oh but that isn’t nec..”

”Shh, you don’t get a say in this. You’ve already promised, and you and I both know you don’t go back on your promises.”

Hyuck sighed. ”There’s no way getting out of this, is there?”

”Nope!”

Donghyuck couldn’t help the small smile that made his way onto his lips. ”Well” he said dramatically, ”I guess I’ll have to allow it then.”

Mark laughed. ”Yes, your highness, I’m afraid no other choice is to be made.”

When Donghyuck finally arrived back in Korea, he felt marginally better than he had been feeling the days before. His temperature wasn’t as high as it had been, he wasn’t as dizzy and he could actually get a little bit of air through his congested nose. Donghyuck didn’t know if he actually was better though, or if it was just the feeling of being home that was making him feel as such. In Hyuck’s opinion, it was probably a little bit of both. His sickness would have to go away eventually, so it wouldn’t be all that surprising if it was finally letting up a little bit. But mostly, it was probably just that he was home. There was something extremely comforting about being in a place where practically everyone could speak the same language, had the same culture and the same beliefs. The roads were familiar, the sounds were comforting and the air smelled like familiar spices, blooming flowers and korean kindness. Donghyuck loved Japan, don’t be mistaken, and traveling was always a fun adventure he’d gladly do over and over again. But the joy he felt whenever he came back home to the country where he had spent his entire life, had yet to be beaten by anything else. Donghyuck loved Korea, loved how the different seasons came and went through the country and how the country changed just a little bit with every season that passed. South Korea was eternally traditional, which in Donghyuck’s very openminded opinion sometimes was a huge problem, but Korea was also at the same ever changing. Never still for too long, always looking for new ways to express and love and feel. Donghyuck, just like any other person in the world, lived in a country with many flaws, in a country with a lot of anger and hurt and unfairness. But he also, like anyone else, lived in a country with kindness, manners, comfort food and love. Donghyuck loved his home. 

But more than the country itself, he loved the people in it. Especially the people that rested close to his heart. His family, his parents and siblings and grandparents. His childhood friends, with whom he had spent countless hours playing in the Jeju sand. The people he got to know when he was a trainee, who had either left the idol life or had ended up in another group or in another profession than him himself. His fellow band members, all of whom he had learned to love through the years. It hadn’t always been easy, with how Donghyuck expressed his love (and his sometimes annoying personality), and how the others, too easily hurt by words that didn’t mean anything sometimes were too eager to hurt back. But in time they had learned each other, learned to be mindful of feelings. Resentment and anger had been replaced by kinship and love. Some of the people Donghyuck in the beginning had not gotten along with at all, were now his closest friends in the world. He loved every single one of his members as much as he loved his own family, they were all familiar and comfortable and whenever Donghyuck was away from them, he was aching just as much as he was whenever he left his family home after a visit. Donghyuck hated being cheesy, but the people saying that home is where the heart is, was truly right. Donghyuck had a home with his blood related family, whom he missed dearly. But he also had a home in the hearts of his other family, a group of boys he would love until the day he died. 

When Donghyuck finally arrived at his dorm’s front door, the door opening before he could even think about putting in the code, and he was engulfed in a pair of familiar arms, Donhyuck cried. Not because he was tired or sick or miserable, but because he was happy. He was finally home, with people who loved him and he loved back just as much, and he couldn’t ask for anything better than that. Johnny held him quietly as he cried out his joy, arms a comforting warmth around Hyuck’s body. And once the tears stopped, Johnny wiped his face dry, and then hugged him again, holding him carefully, like he was afraid Donghyuck would break if he held hi, any tighter. ”Welcome home, Hyuckie” he mumbled into Donghyuck’s hair, and Donghyuck smiled tearfully.

”It’s good to be home, hyung.”

After a few more moments of a quiet hug, Johnny moved. He bent down slightly, bringing one arm around Donhyuck’s back and another under his knees, and then he lifted him up like he weighed nothing. ”You’ve lost a lot of weight Hyuck” he tutted as he walked inside, completely ignoring Donghyuck’s protesting that his legs were working fine. ”I understand that you’re sick, but you’re wasting away.” 

Donghyuck pouted as Johnny carried him into the bathroom. ”I just wasn’t hungry at all hyung, and anything I tried to force down that wasn’t light soup made me feel sick for hours afterwards. And the Japanese food is not as good as the Korean one. I just wanted chicken soup Korean style, but noo, I just had to be in Japan, forced to eat miso soup and suffer.” Johnny just smiled and shook his head at his theatrics, but soon his amusement was replaced by seriousness. 

”Well, good thing you’re home now then. I’ll order you some chicken soup when you shower, and I want to see you eat at least half of it okay?” Johnny looked at him sternly, and Donghyuck didn’t dare do anything other than nod. No matter how kind Johnny was, he was also the scariest person Donghyuck had ever met in his entire life. Hyuck had seen Johnny argue against management and win, had seen him make a Sasaeng back off with just a glare, had been put in place by Johnny himself once when he had been joking around too much and it had made him cry. If there was one hyung Donghyuck didn’t really dare to defy, it was Johnny. 

”Okay hyung” he answered meekly, and Johnny smiled gently. 

”Good. Now, since we don’t want any accidents in the shower, I need you to answer me truthfully okay? Okay? Good. Are you feeling the least bit dizzy right now?”

Donghyuck to stock of himself. The excitement from being home was wearing off, and the eternal exhaustion that being sick seemed to bring was coming back full force. He hadn’t really noticed before, but the world was a little fuzzy around the edges. ”Yeah, a little bit. Not like I’m going to faint or anything, more like dizzy from traveling and sickness exhaustion.”

Johnny nodded. ”Well, then you have two options. I know that you like being independent and all but you’ve promised Mark to let us look after you, and we’ve also decided the best punishment for your little ’I’m not sick at all’ stunt is to not let you be alone for more than a second at the time. If we are overbearing enough, you’ll hopefully realize that if you don’t want this to happen every time you’re sick, you won’t lie to us about being this sick ever again.” Donghyuck sighed, but accepted his punishment without complaining. It was better than having to do everyone’s shores for two weeks, or do the dishes every day for two months. ”Now, option number one is that Taeyong stays in the bathroom with you while you shower, and you sit on the shower stool the entire time. The other option is to let Taeyongie shower with you, so he can keep an eye on you that way. These are your only two options. Which one do you choose?”

Donghyuck thought for a bit. If he wanted privacy, he could always just ask Taeyong to stay in the bathroom with him, but it wasn’t like they had never showered together before. ”He can shower with me, if he wants” Donghyuck mumbled, embarrassed, but Johnny just cooed and nodded. He then ruffled Hyuck’s hair, told him to wait on the toilet lid, where he had been placed, and left the room. Soon after Taeyong came in, carrying fluffy towels, clothing for the both of them and a bright, kind smile. They undressed whilst talking in low voices to each other, Taeyong keeping a careful eye on Donghyuck the whole time. Then Taeyong took his hand, and together they went into the shower. They showered in hot water, Taeyong shampooing his hair while he was sat on the shower stool. He closed his eyes in enjoyment as his hyung’s long fingers massaged his scalp and leaned into the touch. He had to admit, whilst he still loved taking care of his friends and he wasn’t thrilled about not being left alone for the duration of his punishment, being pampered like this once in a while maybe wouldn’t be too horrible. He voiced his opinion to his hyung, not really thinking about what he was saying, and Taeyong just laughed. 

Once they had finished their shower and gotten dressed, Taeyong, surprisingly strong for his slight frame, easily lifted Donghyuck up. Just like Johnny, he frowned about how light Donghyuck was, but thankfully didn’t make a big deal out of it. He just carried Donghyuck to the couch whilst the younger grumbled about not even being allowed to walk. ”You brought this on yourself” Taeyong said sternly, making Donghyuck shut up. ”I know you don’t like it but that’s the point. This is to teach you a lesson. It is also to show you that letting other people look after you once in a while isn’t the end of the world. If you can get through our constant attention during the next few days, maybe you’ll realize that letting us smother you once in a while in the future won’t be too bad.” Donghyuck just lowered his head, ashamed. He really had fucked up badly, hadn’t he?

”Oh don’t be sad, Hyuckie” a new voice said as he was sat on the couch. Donghyuck looked up at Yuta, feeling shy. ”We’re scolding you, yes, but it’s only because we’ve been really worried about you. We know your reasoning, Mark told us what you said, but we just want to show you that letting us looking after you as well is not so bad after all. We’re really thankful for everything you’ve done for us during these last few months. You’ve honestly been a light in a really dark tunnel on some really bad days, and without you life would’ve been a lot more miserable than it was. And I’m not only speaking for me, this is something we’ve all said. Just let us look after you, this time around. No matter how thankful we are, not looking after yourself is unacceptable, and we need to show you that affection should always go both ways.” 

”Yeah,” Doyoung said as he joined Donhyuck and Yuta on the sofa, Taeyong walking into the kitchen. ”Yuta’s right. You need to learn to let us take care of you as well, you can’t always just look after all of us and not take care of yourself. However, I feel like it’s appropriate for us to apologize to you, as well. Most of us are older than you, and those younger are old enough that they should have realized. We should have all realized a lot earlier what you were doing and how much it affected you. But we were too caught up into our own shit that we didn’t see that you had begun to wither, and for that we, and I can confidently say this comes from all of us, are really sorry. Yes, you should never have neglected yourself for us, but at the same time we should’ve seen it happen, but we didn’t. I’m sorry, Hyuckie.” 

Yuta nodded. ”Me too. I should’ve noticed that something was wrong, but I only ever thought of myself.”

Donghyuck shook his head vehemently. ”No, you shouldn’t blame yourselves. I didn’t want anyone to realize, that was the entire point. I was supposed to make you lives easier, not add on to the stress, and so you couldn’t know about my struggles. And like I told Mark, I now realize how unfair to you all that way of thinking is, but I just did what I thought was right. But I promise you right here and now, that I’ll try my best to never do it again. I am still going to look after all of you, because I love doing it, but I’ll try my best to share my burdens with all of you as well. I’m really sorry for not doing that before.”

Doyoung and Yuta both smiled, and brought him into a hug between the two of them. ”Well, you can’t take all the blame then. You’ve realized your faults and we’ve realized ours. Just as you feel sorry, so do we.”

Donghyuck smiled at Yuta. ”Well, apology accepted, then.”

”Likewise” the two others chorused. ”We all really love you, Hyuckie” Doyoung said, stroking his hair, and Yuta nodded in agreement. 

”I love you guys too. Lots.” If anyone noticed the tear that made its way down Hyuck’s cheek, no one mentioned it, but Yuta did grip his hand a little tighter. 

After a little while, Taeil came in from the kitchen, carrying a big bowl of chicken soup and a bowl of rice. He gave Yuta the stink eye until the man moved and then he sank down next to Hyuck on the sofa. ”Hey baby” he said with a smile. ”I know the rest have already said it, but I’m sorry for not noticing your struggles, I’m thankful for who you are and don’t you dare lying to our faces about something like this ever again.” Donghyuck felt his ears go red as he profusely apologized to his oldest hyung, and then they hugged for a long time. ”Now that we’ve gotten the scolding or whatever out of the way (Donghyuck snorted, typical Taeil to be so nonchalant) it’s time for you to eat. And I know that you promised Johnny to eat at least half so unless you’re dying don’t think even for a second that I’ll let you get away with eating less.”

Donghyuck sighed for the millionth time that day (at least that’s what it felt like to his brain) but didn’t protest. He had promised, after all. He stretched to reach the bowl of soup, but Taeil pushed his hands out of the way and picked ut the bowl himself, then the spoon. He put the rice inside the bowl, like he knew Donghyuck enjoyed, scooped some up onto the spoon and then turned expectantly toward Hyuck. ”Open” he ordered. 

Donghyuck stared at his hyung in disbelief. ”You’ve got to be kidding me” he deadpanned. Taeil just stared at him, a no nonsense look on his face. ”I can eat by myself” Donghyuck whined, but Taeil was having none of it. 

”Let us take care of you remember? And also, this is your punishment, better keep that in your memory as well. Just like Mark said, you won’t need to lift a finger.” 

”But”

”No Hyuckie, I don’t want to hear it. Just eat, please. If you’re good, your eating-by-yourself privileges will be given back to you faster. If you keep complaining, we’ll keep feeding you for a lot longer than necessary.” At Hyuck’s crestfallen face, Taeil sighed. ”Listen, darling, I don’t want to punish you, but this lesson really has to stick. Also, your hands are shaking pretty badly, and I don’t want you risking dropping a hot bowl of soup all over yourself because you didn’t have the strength to hold onto it. Just let me help you please.” 

Donghyuck sat still for a moment, contemplating. He hadn’t even noticed his hands were shaking, which was a clear sign that he was still a lot sicker than he thought. So he resigned himself to his fate, and opened his mouth and let his hyung feed him.

Taeil smiled at him proudly. ”Good man” he said happily, and brought the spoon to Hyuck’s mouth. The soup was warm and delicious, light and easy for his stomach, and the rice was perfectly chewy and added to the wonderful experience that was eating chicken soup. And while it was mortifying to have to be fed Donghyuck had to admit that he probably wouldn’t have been able to hold the bowl for very long. He was starting to feel a bit worse again, the medication he had stuffed inside his body probably wearing off by now. He did manage to finish a little bit more than half the bowl of soup though before he couldn’t eat anymore, and was rewarded for eating well with a pat on his head. While Taeil took the bowls to the kitchen to wash, Donghyuck curled up next to Yuta (Doyoung had left for a schedule whilst Hyuck was eating). Yuta, who let Hyuck cuddle as close as he wanted, frowned slightly when he felt the heat radiating off of Hyuck. He put a hand onto the younger’s forehead, and winced. 

”You’re feeling pretty warm again Hyuckie” he said softly into Donghyuck’s ear, and after a moment the younger nodded in agreement. 

”I feel a bit worse than before” he admitted. 

”Well, at least you admitted it this time, I’m proud of you” Jungwoo’s voice said behind him. Donghyuck peeked up at his hyung, and saw that Jungwoo was carrying a glass of water and Hyuck’s medication. 

”You’re psychic hyung” Donghyuck said with a tiny smile, and Jungwoo smiled back gently. He then sat next to Hyuck on the sofa, and handed him the glass. Donghyuck took his medication without complaining, chasing the pills down with the water. Once he was done, Yuta took the glas with him as he had to leave for a late night schedule in a few minutes. He kissed Donghyuck’s forehead before he left and Donghyuck smiled at his hyung. Then Hyuck sighed tiredly and leaned into Jungwoo. ”I’m so tired all the time hyung” Donghyuck whined. ”Why does being sick have to be so exhausting?” 

Jungwoo chuckled. ”That’s the hazard of sickness, I’m afraid. How about going to bed early, huh? You could watch a show on your computer in bed as you fall asleep, how about that?”

Donghyuck pouted in contemplation. He didn’t particularly want to move, as he was very cozy, but it would be nice to finally lay down in his bed again. So he nodded in okay, and Jungwoo smiled, stood up and picked the younger up. Donghyuck didn’t even have it in him to complain this time, just rested his warm forehead on Jungwoo’s shoulder. Jungwoo carried him into the bathroom, where he helped Donghyuck brush his teeth. He then left the bathroom for a few minutes, so Hyuck could go to the bathroom in peace, and once he was done Jungwoo carried him to his bedroom. When they got there, Jaehyun was waiting outside the door. 

”I thought I’d take him for a while” the oldest of them said with a smile. ”Old roommates and all.” Jungwoo smiled, and handed his precious cargo over to Jaehyun. 

”Good night Hyuckie” Jungwoo whispered and Donghyuck smiled gently. 

”Night hyung. Thank you for everything.”

”Not a problem, darling. I am happy to help you whenever you need it.” With that, Jungwoo took his leave, and Jaehyun carried Donghyuck to his bed, where he then helped him under the covers. Jaehyun then collected Donghyuck’s laptop and sat next to the younger on the bed. 

”What do you want to watch Hyuck?”

”Tangled!” Donghyuck immediately said, and Jaehyun laughed. He would never understand Donghyuck’s obsession with Tangled, but he was happy to indulge him nonetheless. Once the movie was brought up on the computer, Jaehyun looked down at the younger. ”Do you mind if I watch it with you?”

Donghyuck smiled brightly. ”Of course not hyung, I would love your company!” With that, Jaehyun got comfy next to Hyuck, and then he started the movie. They two of them had watched this movie so many times, they knew the lyrics to all the songs, quietly humming along to every single of one of them. Once the movie finished, the ending song playing in the background, Jaehyun turned to Hyuck. 

”Baby” he said, and Donghyuck looked up at Jaehyun. ” I just wanted to ask.. have I ever made you feel like you couldn’t tell me things? Because if I have, then I am very sorry.”

Donghyuck looked shocked at what Jaehyun was implicating. ”No hyung, not at all, you can’t ever think that. I would trust you with my life. You and the others are like family to me, nothing will ever change that. I kept quiet because I didn’t think it was important. I was so busy watching all of you, I didn’t notice my own issues. And I didn’t want to add on to all the burdens you all already had once I realized something was wrong. I felt guilty for doing so, which is not your fault at all. You’ve never made me feel anything other than that I can tell you anything, which was precisely why I didn’t say anything. I knew it would made you all feel guilty and worried, and I didn’t want that. I know how foolish that is, and I know how much I must’ve hurt you which I am very sorry for. But it never had anything to do with me not trusting all of you. I was just being a fool. I love you very much hyung, and I trust you, I do. And I promise you, next time something happens to me I will tell you. I promise hyung, as long as you promise me to do the same.”

Jaehyun looked at Hyuck, a soft and a bit tearful look on his face. ”I don’t know when that little kid that used to annoy me so much got this mature. I promise, Hyuck, and I’ll gladly tell you that I trust you just as much. I love you lots baby, never forget that. No matter what, you’re never alone, because you have us.”

”And you have me.”

”Yeah, baby. We’ve got you.”

The two cuddled for a while longer, until Donghyuck’s eyes got droopy enough that he barely could see out of them. 

”I’m going to let you get some sleep Hyuckie” Jaehyun said, and helped the younger down into a laying down position. ”Good night baby. I’ll see you in the morning.”

”Night hyung” Hyuck mumbled back, smiling. As soon as Jaehyun left, he closed his eyes and sighed happily. His hyungs were the actual nicest humans on the planet, and Donghyuck loved all of them. They were all beautiful, kind and considering, and there was nothing Donghyuck wouldn’t do for them. 

Donghyuck’s mushy thought got cut off by the door opening once more, and soon after the sheets ruffled as a body slipped down next to his own. He didn’t even have to open his eyes to know who it was. His best friend’s body fit against own perfectly, having cuddled like this countless times before. Donghyuck didn’t even say anything, he just turned to the warm body next to him and cuddled in close. Mark gripped him tightly, and Donghyuck could feel him smile. 

”Welcome home Hyuck. I missed you.”

”Missed you more.”

”I love you.”

”I know. Me too. I love you lots, hyung.”

A quiet laughter. ”I know.”

Donghyuck fell asleep that night, happy and warm. Summer wasn’t far away now, Donghyuck could feel the change in his bones. No matter the season, his hyungs were there for him, and he was there for them. 

When he woke up the next morning he expected to be alone since the rest of 127 all had an early morning schedule. He wasn’t alone, however, but surrounded by people he loved more than most people on the planet. Renjun, Jeno and Jaemin had piled into his bed with him, Jaemin holding him whilst Jeno and Renjun was curled up on each side of the bed. Chenle and Jisung was sitting together on Johnny’s bed. ”Guys!” Donghyuck called out happily. 

”Morning Hyuckie” Jaemin said softly, stroking his hair. ”You don’t feel super warm right now, thankfully. How’re you feeling?”

”Alright, considering how shitty I’ve been feeling the last few days. Even better now that you’re here. I missed you guys so so so much.”

”We missed you too Hyuckie” they all chorused. ”However” Renjun continued ”you’re about to get the scolding of a lifetime from Jaemin, Jeno and I. We all know the hyungs are too soft to yell at you properly, so we’re going to do it instead. First of all, pretending to be fine when you just fainted in the fucking shower is unacceptable…” 

The scolding went on for a long time, his three similarly aged friends taking turns in scolding and apologizing to him whilst the two youngest were egging them on. There were a few tears, a few threats (coming mostly from Jaemin) and a little bit of bodily harm (Renjun putting him into a ”friendly chokehold” until Jeno forced him to let go) and lots of laughter. Donghyuck spent the day with his friends, playing a few board games, watching movies, and getting even more babied than he had been with his hyungs. Jaemin wouldn’t let Donghyuck to anything by himself except for going to the bathroom, and even then he insisted Donghyuck got carried there. He even held the glas for him when he took his medication, making him drink the water from a straw. Renjun made him Chinese food, and fed him every last piece. Jeno made him sit in his lap most of the day, and if not in his lap he was cuddled up between his legs.

Even Jisung and Chenle coddled him more than he ever thought the two youngest could coddle people. They brought him snacks (and fed him said snacks), insisted they watched all Donghyuck’s favorite movies (even The Kissing Booth, the worst movie ever made in the history of films) and gave him as many hugs as he wanted. 

Donghyuck generally didn’t enjoy getting coddled. He didn’t enjoy when other people worried about him and he preferred looking after other people rather than other people looking after him. However, he realized after a few days of constantly being looked after, that letting yourself go and letting other people take responsibility for a while wasn’t so bad after all. Donghyuck still loved looking after his members, and would continue to do so for as long as he was allowed. Now however, he was also willing to let his band-family, his precious friends, look after him as well once in a while. It was kind of nice being held tightly, being helped to shower and getting carried when he was too tired to walk by himself. When winter stuck deep inside his body, the others would act as the sunshine which melted the winter away and gave way for spring. Donghyuck didn’t have to be the only summer shining in the others lives. Instead they could all warm up each other, help each other grow and bloom like flowers bloomed in the sun. 

Donghyuck loved his members, and they loved him back. That wouldn’t change, no matter what season it was. Autumn, winter, spring, summer, it didn’t matter. As long as Donghyuck had his members, his friends, he has the courage to face any season. As did they. Whenever they looked down or upset, Donghyuck was there to brighten up their days. The only difference now was that they also got to brighten Donghyuck’s bad days, which made the sunshine Donghyuck gave them feel even warmer.


	4. Red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donghyuck loved red.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know what this is. I was feeling inspired and I truly think some colors are misunderstood. And therefore, this happened. Enjoy, and have a nice day, lovelies!<3

Donghyuck loved the color red. Red had always played a big part of his life. The day he was born, his mother had been wearing red clothing. The first thing he ate, was a red apple. His first bed was painted red. The trees during autumn were filled with red leaves, and Donghyuck loved seeing them change slowly from their vibrant green to their more subtle, strong red color before laying down for their eternal rest. Donghyuck’s favorite soft drink had a red label. Poppies, which was Donghyuck’s favorite type of flower, shone with their red color amongst fields of white and yellow. And finally, maybe the best thing of all, sometimes in Jeju, as the sun was leaving the horizon, the sky was colored red. This left the world, just for a few moments, covered in a warm, soft hue, which made Donghyuck feel safe and happy. It felt like home. 

When Donghyuck decided he would leave Jeju and try to become an idol, he had been watching a particularly pretty sunset. He had been sitting with his mother, the two of them sharing a pre-cut red apple when he finally found the courage to tell his mother about his dreams. His mother, eternally patient and kind, had smiled a big, bright smile, her lips painted in a beautiful dark red, and told him she always had known he was meant to do something that would allow him to shine. When he started crying, afraid he would fail and therefore hurt his biggest supporter, she held him close as she whispered in his ear that no matter what happened, she would always be proud of him for daring to follow his dreams. 

”Failing is a part of life, Hyuck” she told him. ”Sometimes the road we walk on is straight, we don’t have to fight particularly hard to move forward, but it’s not particularly easy either. Sometimes, the road is leaning down, and we barely have to move and yet we will move forward in rapid speed. Sometimes, the road is steep, the hills seemingly eternal and it will feel like we will never reach our end goal. But Donghyuck, that’s what life is all about. Living was never meant to be easy. We have to fight for what we want, and when we fall down, we have to get up again and keep fighting. In order to succeed, we have to sometimes fail and there is nothing wrong with failing. Failure is just another lesson amongst countless others and sometimes failure will teach you more about who you are than anything else ever will. 

”Failing is hard, but failing is also proof that we at least tried. And Donghyuck, I will never ask anything more of you than that you try your best. If you give it a go, give it your best and you still fail, then you can go home feeling proud. Because you grew from the experience. You come back with new knowledge, and midst the bitter feelings of failure, you will find yourself just a little bit stronger than before. No matter what happens, I will never be anything other than proud of you for trying. I love you and your siblings, no matter failure or success. As long as you work hard, are a good person and take care of the ones you love from the best of your abilities, I could not be any prouder of you. As long as you try loving who you love, no matter what society thinks of you, I will be happy. As long as you embrace yourself for who you are, flaws and strengths both, there is nothing I would ever ask you to change about yourself. If you go and you fail, then at least you tried and that’s something to be proud of. If you try and succeed, you can feel proud of that. In the end, there is always something to feel proud about, and that’s all that matters.”

When Donghyuck arrived in Seoul, he was wearing a red striped shirt and his big, red heart felt like it would beat out of his chest. When he did his audition, the curtains in framing the window were as red as one of the judges finger nails. When he moved into the trainee dorm, his bed sheets were red. When he met his first ever would be band member, he was drinking pomegranate tea, the deep red colored drink comforting his throat. When he had his first huge fight with another human being, both Mark and Donghyuck himself was burning with red hot anger, which then turned into angry tears. The tears then became sad, lips bitten dark red, and Donghyuck understood that what he had said to the older had been really hurtful. He had failed in being a friend for someone he cared about, and for that he was ashamed and angry. But his mother’s words rang clear in his mind. Without failure, there cannot be success and the first step to success was always admitting ones failures. So Donghyuck admitted to himself, and later to Mark that he had been in the wrong, and when they hugged it off Donghyuck felt a new kind of fire burning in him. He had failed yes, but his failure had lead him to be a better person, and for that he was proud. 

Red was a constant in Donghyuck’s life, no matter which feelings it evoked out of him. Despite years passing by, Donghyuck growing more serious as he lost some of that childhood silliness, the color continued to lay close to his heart. Many people didn't like red, the color reminding them too much of blood and death. Mark once told him that he didn’t like red because the devil was usually depicted in red and therefore Mark associated the color with evil. Donghyuck told him he was being stupid. ”A color can’t hurt you, Mark. Only the people wearing the color can, which has nothing to do with the color itself. Your devil may be evil and be red. People may be evil and dress in red. But the devil may also be black or green or white, and bad people may also dress in pink or gold or brown. A color is not a representation of a certain type of personality, but a person’s personality might shine through whichever color they choose to flourish in.” 

Donghyuck loved red, no matter its form. Red hair, red clothing, red anger, red sky. Red sorrow, red leaves, red heart. Blood was scary, but that was not the color’s fault. And besides, red blood was better than black blood, in Donghyuck’s opinion. Red stage outfits, red bruises, red eyes. Red was a misunderstood color, but Donghyuck never saw a reason to fear it. A color was not a catalyst of people’s actions or words. A color was just there, for someone to use in whatever way they saw fit. What was associated with a color didn’t mean that the color also carried the guilt of what it was being associated with. Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo or violet. All colors were beautiful and carried no guilt from humanity. Color brought light, love and vibrant laughter into people’s lives. Color made life more fun to live. Color wasn’t evil, people were. Color was sweet and kind and soft, just like a newborn baby that had not yet been exposed to the evils of the world and was thus not yet evil either. 

Donghyuck was thankful for the colors that surrounded his life. Mark’s dark blue, Taeyong’s light pink. Renjun’s eternal black and Jaemin’s fun patterns. Taeil’s gold and Yuta’s orange. Jungwoo’s yellow and Jeno’s also red. Jisung’s white and Chenle’s burgundy. Jaehyun’s funky purple and Johnny’s calm turquoise. Doyoung’s soft green and Donghyuck’s bright red. But mostly, he was thankful to the people wearing the colors, since they had chosen to let their kindness, fairness and love shine through their colors instead of anger, resentment and jealousy. The best part of colors, after all, was not the color itself. Not really. It was the people which the colors surrounded. Donghyuck loved his mother, and red had always been a big part of his mother’s life. Mark loved blue, and so Donghyuck now loved the color too. As did he with Doyoung’s green and Taeyong’s pink. No color was ugly, or bad or evil, as long as the people , the people he loved, that were associated with the color were good. 

Donghyuck loved red. He loved other colors too. But mostly, Donghyuck loved the people behind the colors.


	5. Best friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soulmates till the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember to tell your friends that you love them, to make sure your best friends know how much they mean to you. To my best friends, I love you all, you are the best things that ever happened to me and while I don't know what the future holds for us, I will love you all regardless of what happens.

Most NCT fans thought that Donghyuck didn’t enjoy spending time by himself, which wasn’t exactly wrong. It wasn't exactly right though, either. Donghyuck was an extroverted person, he thrived around other people and got energy and strength from their smiles and laughter. And while he also enjoyed quiet walks with the music in his headphones his only company and the rainy nights where he sat alone on a dry part of the roof, looking at the stars, he mostly loved when he was surrounded by people he loved. He loved hanging out with his members, they were all comforting presences in his life and he enjoyed their company regardless of if they went out for drinks and dancing or stayed in for movies and no talking. He enjoyed dancing close to Jaehyun on the dance floor, letting the older take the lead, as the older knew what Donghyuck needed sometimes better than Donghyuck himself. He also knew exactly how far Donghyuck was comfortable to go when it came to touching, Jaehyun had never once made Donghyuck feel uncomfortable in his own skin. Donghyuck also loved snuggling as close to Doyoung and Jungwoo as he possible could on their large couch. Jungwoo and Doyoung were both highly sensitive people and they needed to be handled with lots of care. In a world as harsh as their, were they were constantly judged by other people Donghyuck did everything he could to make sure that the two felt seen and loved and reassured that they were enough just the way they were. In return, Donghyuck got the same thing, and more.

Hyuck felt safe and protected when he went on bike rides with Jaemin and Jeno, the two always making sure Donghyuck could manage their pace. They’d never leave him behind, and when he got tired of biking (tired of the world) they’d hold him close between them, never forcing him to stop crying until he wanted to himself. After, they’d take him out to eat his favorite comfort food, and Donghyuck would thank them by kissing their cheeks, murmuring quiet words of love in their ears and squeeze them as harshly as he could. Whenever he could, he would also take some of the burden of being an idol off their shoulders, trying to make them smile and laugh as much as they could muster.

Johnny was like the big brother he never got to have. He was a huge man, but always soft and caring. While he was scary when he was mad, he was never mad unjustly and he would always apologize for his anger by explaining what he felt and listening intently to what they had to say in return. Johnny was mature and wise and Donghyuck admired and loved him for everything he was and stood by. Taeyong was intensely warm yet fiercely protective, whenever someone treated Donghyuck unfairly Taeyong would immediately be there to defend him. Whenever Donghyuck didn’t dare speaking back to the people who hurt him or made him cry, Taeyong would hold his hand and lend him the strength to do so. Yuta, the tall, buff man, was a delight in Donghyuck’s opinion. While the man was one of the scariest people Donghyuck had ever met, he also wore the kindest smile he’d ever seen on a person. Looking at Yuta when he was smiling was like being embraced by a cloud, it soft and warm and slightly pink.

Mark was his rock, the person he’s go to when he needed quiet support and comforting words. The two had known each other for a long time, and while they had their differences and fought a lot, they also trusted each other with their lives. If Mark had to cover up a crime or escape the police (highly unlikely but Donghyuck enjoyed thinking about the ’unlikelies’, it made life more interesting), best believe Donghyuck would help him or drive the get away car. Donghyuck went to Chenle and Jisung whenever he felt the intense longing for home, insisting on cooking for them or taking them out for food and karaoke and the two youngest always indulged him. They knew, when Donghyuck got that lost look in his eyes, they just needed to be there for him. And in return, whenever their shoulders sagged and eyes watered from just being too tired, Donghyuck would immediately notice and bring the two home for home cooked food, Disney movies and cuddles. Taeil was his singing partner, the person he’d go to for fun and games but also the warmest hugs. Taeil always knew what to say and for that, Donghyuck was eternally grateful. Whenever Donghyuck was struggling, Taeil always noticed, always saw, and always helped. Donghyuck liked to believe, that he maybe did the same for the older. If someone were to ask Taeil of his opinion, the answer would be a resounding yes.

Renjun, with his snuggle tooth, slight waist and small body, was everything and more. His best friend, his partner in crime, the Ying to his Yang, the tree to his roots and the sky to his sun. While small, Renjun had a huge presence and while Donghyuck had never really believed in destiny, he knew Renjun was in his life to stay. If a thing like platonic soulmates was actually a thing, Renjun would definitely be his. Renjun knew all Donghyuck’s secrets, knew all about his insecurities and worries. How Donghyuck sometimes looked at himself in the mirror and hated what he saw. That he worried if his voice was really enough to be in three subunits. That maybe he was too clingy, too annoying, too much for all the people around him. Renjun knew about all of it, and with him all Donghyuck’s secrets were safe. Renjun reassured, always sincere, and the worries Donghyuck had would melt away like snow in the sun. They would come back, like snow does, but then again, so would the sun.

Donghyuck also knew all about Renjun. Knew how he would lower his head just that slightest bit whenever he felt insecure or left out. Knew how worried he was to not be enough. Knew how much he missed his home, his mother’s food and kind words and his father’s strong hugs. He knew just how much Renjun could get caught up in his own head but he also knew exactly how to bring him back out to reality. There was not a single thing that the two didn’t know about the other, nothing was hidden from view. There was no judgement or harsh words between the two of them outside of the cameras. People thought Donghyuck and Renjun’s relationship was like Tom and Jerry, like cat and mouse. And it was, infront of the other members, staff, managers and cameras. It was, on stage where they were being scrutinized by the entire world. But behind closed doors, cuddling on a bed in either dorm, there were no malicious words, sarcasm or bordering on mean teasing. There were instead kind words, gentle reminders and soft, sweet teasing that didn’t hurt a soul. They complemented each other in every way, they loved each other as much as friends possibly could. They accepted each other for who they were, no judgement or harsh words or anger.

Donghyuck once told Renjun that hugs and kisses was the longest Donghyuck would ever be willing to go with another person. It had taken Donghyuck a long time to come to terms with who he was as a person, come to terms with how he loved and who he loved. When he told Renjun, he was terrified, but his worries were not needed. Renjun accepted without question and without doubt. Who and how Donghyuck loved was Donghyuck’s lone right to decide, and Renjun would never shun or judge Donghyuck’s decisions. He supported Donghyuck in everything he was and for that, Donghyuck loved him all the more. Donghyuck realized and understood that Renjun would never need any other relationships than those purely sexual or simply platonic. To Donghyuck, who Renjun was as a person had always been quite clear despite the rest of the people surrounding them never seeming to think so. When Renjun shared this deeply personal information, Donghyuck wasn’t surprised, but made sure to tell Renjun that is didn’t matter who Renjun was, he would love him regardless of how Renjun chose to love. To the two of them, matters like such were trivial, they didn’t matter in the long run As long as they were good people, didn’t needlessly hurt others and tried their best to bring joy and love to the people around them (no matter how it was expressed) while still respecting boundaries, nothing else mattered. They were Donghyuck and Renjun, two sides of the same coin. They knew what hurt and what didn’t, and they knew when to shut up and when not to. They knew when to apologize, knew that even people as close as them sometimes unknowingly, sometimes in frustrated anger, sometimes hurt each other. The only thing you could do then, was to admit your faults and also explain your own mind and then talk until no hurt remained. The two were firm believers in that talking was the most efficient thing someone could do in resolving an issue. Without communication, when situations were handled by simply not speaking about it ever again, hurt remained in the heart. Hurt would cause cracks, deep inside, and eventually those cracks would create a break, which would create a hole that despite how much glue was used, would never be completely mended. Communication lead to less hurt, which lead to healthier relationships which in turn lead to better lives. Healthy mind, healthy body (that expression was always meant to be said in that way, according to the two). 

Donghyuck and Renjun never really cared about what other people thought of their relationship, because they knew exactly who they were, both together and alone. They were people who hurt, who screamed and cried and let their insecurities get the best of them. They were intense and difficult to handle and understand. They were angry and foolish and too stubborn for their own good. They had difficulties seeing things from other people’s perspectives and they were quick to draw back and close up if they thought someone was about to use them, abuse them. They had trust issues. They were jealous and got angry about trivial things, they hurt people and took too much and gave too little. They were egoistical and sometimes too mean and they disregarded other people’s feelings too quickly. Sometimes, they didn’t stop to think before they did something, before they said something, which left destruction and pain in the aftermath. 

But Donghyuck and Renjun were also people who healed, who spoke in quiet murmus and dried the tears off of other people’s cheeks. They pushed past their insecurities and kept fighting for what they believed in, for who they were. They were intense in the best ways and they were easy to get along with, easy to love. They were sweet and wise and knew when to pull back. They let people speak their minds and they understood, that all people can’t think similarly and that that too, was okay. Once they trusted someone enough, they would let them see everything, would throw the door wide open and leave it like that until the person they opened up to would choose to close the door themselves. They trusted when they were sure they could trust, and when they trusted they did so with every inch of themselves. They were generous and carefree and had endless patience, they protected and gave everything they had and wanted nothing in return. They were fiercely loyal and put other people before themselves. They considered every possible outcome before doing something, before saying something, which mostly left love and peace in the aftermath. 

They were Donghyuck and Renjun. Two people who made mistakes all the time but also atoned for their mistakes by loving fiercely and admitting their faults. They tried as well as they could, as well as anyone could. Sometimes, they didn’t make the right decision but that didn’t make them bad people. They learned from their mistakes and came out on the other side as better people. While imperfect, they were also as perfect as they possibly could be. There can be no perfection without imperfection. They fought hard but loved harder. They protected and took care of. They were who they were, flawed with small cracks on the edges. But they stood strong, fought back against their flaws and time and time again, love won the fight. Love would always win the fight. And for them, that was enough.

Donghyuck was Donghyuck, Renjun was Renjun. They were Donghyuck and Renjun, together and alone. Always loving each other, always being there for each other. Best friends and platonic soulmates, till the end of their days, past life and beyond. Time passes by quickly, but love never ends. Love is there, always, and love is there to stay. No matter what happened, Donghyuck could stretch out his hand, and Renjun would take hold of it, every single time. Holding tightly, never letting go. 

Donghyuck and Renjun. Renjun and Donghyuck. 

Donghyuck.

Renjun.

Soulmates. 

Best friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hugs for everyone!!!<3


	6. Apologies (part one)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donghyuck was annoying, everyone knew that. But even annoying people can get hurt by people and right now, Donghyuck's heart was hurting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is art one of a bit angstier story arc! I promise it'll have a happy ending (I don't want to write sad endings) but before sunshine we need some rain, right? This is based on the fact that while annoying and clingy, I think Donghyuck sometimes get more affected by his member's words than what he lets on. Do keep in mind though, that this is just a made up story. I don't think the other members would do this in reality and I'll never know either. 
> 
> I also want it to be let known, that I have not proof read this as of yet. It's 2:25 am and I honestly don't have the energy right now. I'll read it through tomorrow, when my brain (hopefully) is more alive than right now. 
> 
> I hope you all are doing well despite the state of the world right now, and since it's Friday I wish you all a happy one! Happy reading!

It was no secret the members of NCT found Donghyuck, more often than not, annoying. Donghyuck loved by teasing and so he teased his members until they could barely stand to be in the same room as him unless they wanted to explode. Contrary to popular belief, however, Donghyuck never annoyed someone with he attention to actually hurt them. No, if he wanted to hurt somebody with words, he knew much better ways of doing so than just being annoying. If Donghyuck was annoying it usually meant it was to be some sort of stress relief. Whenever his sister back home had a hard time, Donghyuck would tease her until he cried which was something he once said in a radio show that he enjoyed doing. He enjoyed it because after the tears had dried, his sister usually felt a little lighter. She would smile more easily than before, not as hung up about the thing that made her upset in the first place. Once she had calmed down enough, Donghyuck would sit her down and they would sometimes talk about what was hurting her, or they would simply sit next to each other and watch a movie. Sometimes, they would just hug, slightly longer than normal, and then Donghyuck would leave his sister be. Words were not always needed in order to comfort somebody, which Donghyuck knew all too well. You just had to be there for them. 

Usually when Donghyuck annoyed his members, it was because of the same reason. He would see hidden pain or anger or sometimes even resentment and so he would step in. He would tease and annoy until none of that actual anger had any strong hold on the member anymore. Later, he’d come to them, maybe give them a hug or a whispered reassurance. Sometimes, he’d treat them to a meal or play a game with them. Sometimes he would just listen to their rantings until they had calmed down and felt better about the situation. He’d go to bed, pleased that he’d been able to help.

Donghyuck was annoying on other occasions, though. Sometimes he was annoying because he himself was having a shitty day and needed someone to see him, give him some attention, even if that attention was laced with annoyance. Usually though, he acted annoying because that’s what his agency wanted from him. They wanted him to be the annoying little brother, or the annoying older brother, who would tease and do aegyo or scream. They wanted him to laugh as loudly as he could, always have a smile on his face and be difficult and whiny. They thought it was cute, and as they said, ’every group needs an annoying person’. Safe to say, Donghyuck hated it. He never wanted to cause actual hurt when he was annoying, but more often than not he could see the hurt in his members eyes whenever he teased or behaved in an inconsiderate manner. Donghyuck would always try to apologize afterward, make sure they knew he never meant any of what he said, and at first all his members seemed to believe him. The longer it went on though, the harder it got for his members to distinguish when he was being annoying because he was forced to be and when he was doing it because of his other reasons. They stopped talking to him about their issues, no longer really trusting him. They sometimes didn’t invite Donghyuck when they went somewhere, because (they never said this, but Donghyuck was not stupid, he always knew) they wanted some peace and quiet. It hurt. It hurt so much Donghyuck would sometimes lock himself inside the bathroom and cry silently, for hours on end. Or he’d go to one of the training rooms, and dance until he couldn’t feel anything other than his painful breathing. He’d tap into his old ballet dancing, and move gracefully around the room until he found some of that tranquility he’d lost. His body would ache for days afterwards, but it calmed him down and made him feel better, so he didn’t stop. The pain grounded him in a way nothing else ever would and the gracefulness of the dancing made him feel stronger than he actually was. For a while, Donghyuck would be okay again, and whenever he no longer was, whenever his members words cut a little too deeply, he’d go back and do it all over again. 

The worst thing about it all was that Donghyuck never could find it in himself to be angry. He knew none of the others were hurting him on purpose, they just needed a break from the endless energy that Donghyuck was constantly forcing out. They didn’t realize he knew when they deliberately left him out, they didn’t realize he knew they didn’t want to talk to him anymore, rely on him anymore. They didn’t know how upset Donghyuck would get, they just thought they were teasing him back and that he could handle it. But Donghyuck had never been after hurting anybody with his teasings, and he always tried to make sure they knew that. The message wasn’t always received, but the truth remained nonetheless. Just as the truth that they were hurting him on purpose in order to give him back some of his own behavior. Donghyuck knew that they loved him regardless of what they said and that they knew in their hearts that Donghyuck wasn’t being mean on purpose, but that didn’t make anything hurt less. It just lessened the anger, reduced it until there was nothing left. Donghyuck, contrary to what most fans thought, never really got properly angry. He’d always try to see the fight from the other person’s perspective, would always understand and so the anger would go away. He’d rather live wounded than causing additional hurt. He knew how to, could be nasty if need be, but the always chose not to. Which is why he never expressed his hurt to his members, always kept quiet and kept smiling. They couldn’t help it and he knew how annoying he was. He understood, and so he could never be angry. 

He had just finished a dance practice with the dream members when the others decided they wanted to go out to eat. Almost reluctantly, they turned to ask him if he wanted to come, and Donghyuck, as brightly as he could, said yes. He went to go to the bathroom and when he came back he could hear low talking through the half open door. 

”Don’t get me wrong, I love Hyuck more than anything, but he’s just so much sometimes. My head’s hurting, I just wish for some peace and quiet. So I think I’m just going to head home instead. I can’t deal with his annoying ass self right now.” 

Donghyuck flinched at the words. Renjun was one of his best friends, and hearing that he was causing him that much annoyance that he didn’t even want to eat with him hurt a lot. He could feel the tears gather in his eyes, but he stubbornly blinked them away. He waited a couple minutes more to go back inside the practice room and when he did it was with a bright smile. ”Guys” he called as loudly as he dared and tried not to let Renjun’s annoyed groan deter him. ”I forgot I promised Taeil hyung we’d go out to eat, so you’ll just have to make do without me. Is that okay?” He looked at his Dream members, a part of him hoping that at least one of them would be sad, but he could only see relief in their eyes. Donghyuck hurried to pick up his back and then he left the room as fast as he could with an enthusiastic wave and a bright smile. He didn’t care if it seemed like he was running away, because he was, and as soon as his back was facing the others the tears flowed freely down his cheeks. 

When he got back home, it was to a fairly quiet dorm. When he got inside his and Johnny’s room he found Doyoung, Taeyong and Mark there as well. They seemed to have a serious conversation and when he got inside the room they all looked up, annoyed at being disturbed. Donghyuck tried not to start crying again as he saw their obvious resentment and smiled as brightly as he could. ”Wow hyungs” he said just a little bit shakily, ”having a bedroom meeting are we?” 

Taeyong rolled his eyes. ”Yes, actually, one we need to have without any disturbance.”

”Is everything okay?” Donghyuck asked, concern genuine. 

Mark snorted. ”Don’t worry about it Hyuck, we have it under control. Should be continue in Your bedroom hyung” Mark said looking at Taeyong, not even bothering wording it as a question. 

”No need hyung” Donghyuck said, hiding his hurt with an even brighter smile. ”I’m just here to get some clothing. I’m staying over at the Dream dorm tonight, we’re having a sleep over. Just give me a few seconds and I’ll be out of your hair.”

”Oh” Johnny answered happily. ”Well, have fun then!”

Donghyuck hurried to his dresser, and quickly brought out a pair of loose work out shorts, underwear, a t-shirt and a hoody. He then went to his desk, picked up his glasses in their case and turned to the door to leave. He was hoping one of them would notice his upset, saying something, but his hyung’s remained quiet until he closed the door. Then they continued their conversation like Donghyuck was never there in the first place. Donghyuck smacked himself on the cheek, forcing himself not to cry anymore. He would be strong for himself. 

He went up a quick round to the other floor, but none one answered the door when he rung on the door bell. He entered the code and went inside, but quickly realized the dorm was empty. They must’ve gone out then, he realized, not asking the rest if they wanted to come. At least, not asking him, which was an even more likely scenario, since Mark was down with he rest of his hyungs and they alas had to have known. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Donghyuck sunk down on the floor, sobbing. He wasn't trying to hide his crying this time, no one was there to care in any case. Even if they were there, Donghyuck wondered if they would care. Was he that good at hiding his hurt, or had the others just stopped caring? At this point, Donghyuck honestly couldn’t tell anymore. 

It took him a while to stop crying, and once he did, he stood up shakily. He had to get out of the dorms, no matter what. He could not stand being there even a second longer than he had. He hadn't eaten since this morning, he knew he was supposed to be hungry, but Donghyuck was just so filled with hurt he couldn’t feel anything else. He needed a distraction, something that would ground him. He picked up his bag, took a hold of his phone and he left the dorm just so he could go back to the place he had come from. 

There was something immensely comforting about an empty practice room. It was simple and quiet, the light could be lowered to a soft glow and then it was just you and the music. Donghyuck loved it. He locked the door, ignoring the fact that it was against the rules to do so if you were alone and connected his phone to the speaker. He took out his old dance shoes from the bag and put them on, soft piano music playing in the background. He warmed up for a long time, stretched for just as long. Whenever he did this, he had to take every measure possible so that he did not injure himself. He wanted the hurt of practicing until his body was on the brink of what he could handle, yes, but he did not wish for the hurt that an injury caused. It cost too much, took too much out of a person. Donghyuck wanted to break down the pain, not ruin himself. 

He danced for a long time. The moves came back to him easily when he became like this, his body working on pure muscle memory. He moved gracefully through slow and fast passage both, his body one singular flow of movement. If Donghyuck hadn’t become a dancer, he’d probably had become a ballet dancer. People had always thought ballet dancing was a bit girly, and gay (dramatic gasp) and many of his relatives had on several occasions told both him and his parents that Donghyuck probably should quit dancing. Donghyuck’s parents, however, were always supportive of heir son and didn’t give a rat’s ass about what other people thought. Donghyuck didn’t either. Ballet was beautiful, and only people scared of hurting society’s fragile masculinity called it girly. Also, Donghyuck was bisexual, thank you very much. In ballet class, no one had ever cared about sexuality, they had early learned than anything was welcome within the dance company’s walls. Several of Donghyuck’s friends from dance were gay, both girls and boys, and his best friend had turned out to be bisexual just like him. No one had ever cared, or judged. They were them and that was okay. Donghyuck would love ballet and everything it gave him until the day it died, which was why he always turned back to it whenever he felt insecure. Ballet had all the comfort he needed, it protected him like nothing else ever would, because it was his to control and his to love and nobody could ever tell him differently. 

Two hours later the last song finished playing on Donghyuck’s playlist, and he sunk to the floor, completely spent. The room was spinning around him, there was a faint ringing in his ears and for a moment Donghyuck feared he would actually pass out. A few minutes later he felt a lot better though, and he figured the immense fatigue was probably just from not eating all day. Overall, Donghyuck felt a lot calmer than he had before. The hurt was surprisingly still there, but it was no longer overpowering him. He’d be okay, eventually. He realized he probably needed to talk to his members about how he was feeling, he was tired of the hurt and the rejections. They needed to have a proper conversation so that they could clear the air. Dancing until he almost passed out wasn't healthy, Donghyuck knew. He was tired of feeling like he needed to hurt himself in order to feel better about who he was. He was tired of being rejected because of something he was practically forced to do. He was tired of no one ever asking him if he was okay. He wanted his members to realize, that Donghyuck was hurting too. 

That would be a worry for another day, however. He had cried enough for one night. Right now, he needed a shower, which he would take in one of the company shower rooms, and then he needed food. He could feel the hunger now, a relief to his system, and he was desperate for some food. It was well past one Am now, but Hyuck knew plenty of places that were still open, places he loved that would happily serve him (all the ladies owning the restaurants loved Donghyuck and all doted on him happily whenever he came to eat), which was exactly what he needed right now. He knew going out this late by himself was against Johnny and Taeyong’s rules (The manager’s rules as well, but no one really cared about that) but they would never find out. Even if they did, Donghyuck couldn’t find it in him to care. He just wanted to eat. He disconnected his phone from the speaker’s, ignoring a text from Mark wondering if he arrived at the Dream dorm okay, and went to shower. Once he finished, he got dressed in the clothes he had collected earlier and walked out into the summer night. It was dark, but still fairly warm and Donghyuck was enjoying the quiet. The walk to the restaurant wasn’t very long, for which Donghyuck was grateful. His legs were shaking from exhaustion, his head aching slightly, and he was tired and hungry. The walk took about fifteen minutes (normally half that time but god, Donghyuck was moving slowly) and once he finally got inside the restaurant he felt like he had won a race. The kind owner greeted him with a warm smile, choosing not to comment on Hyuck’s late arrival and lead him to a small table in the corner of the restaurant, where no one would really be able to notice him. He got his food quickly and was enjoying himself immensely when his phone rang the first time. Surprised, he looked at it and saw that it was Jaemin calling. 

”Jaemin?” he said carefully as he answered the phone. It was quiet on the other line for quite a long time, and then a breath of relief was heard through the phone. 

”Hyuck!” Jaemin exclaimed. ”Where you at?”

Donghyuck frowned. ”Uum.. at home?” 

Jaemin was quiet again, his breathing the only thing telling him Jaemin was still on the phone with him. 

”Jaem?” Donghyck asked, a bit concerned. ”What’s wrong?”

”Hyuckie” Jaemin got out, a bit shakily. ”Why are you lying to me?” 

Donghyuck swallowed. ”What are you talking about Min?”

”Mark called. He said you told him and the hyung’s you were spending the night here, but you never answered his text and he got a bit worried. He said you had not acted quite like yourself and was wondering if something was up. I told him I didn’t know you were going to come, but that perhaps someone of the other’s had invited you. So I promised I would call you, make sure you were okay, since you left the dorm hours ago and you’re not here nor there. So let me ask you again, Hyuck. Where are you? Are you hurt?”

”No, Jaeminie, I’m fine” Donghyuck sighed. ”I’m tired as fuck but who isn’t? I’m okay, no need to worry. And I went out for a bit. Lied to the hyungs so that they wouldn’t question it. I’ll go home soon.”

Jaemin took an angry breath. ”You went out. Alone. Even though we’re not allowed to. Why? Are you really that stupid Hyuck, you know what could happen! What if you end up doing something stupid?”

Donghyuck stared at the phone incredulously. ”Are you really saying what I think you’re saying right now? That I’m so stupid that I would do something that could damage our reputation? That I’m reckless and uncareful and annoying, so annoying that I possibly couldn’t go out by myself?” 

”No, Hyuck, that’s not..”

”No” Donghyuck cut Jaemin off, just feeling so done with every single one of his members. If they wanted a piece of his mind, he would fucking give it to them. ”I don’t want to hear it Jaemin. You have no right to tell me anything right now, none of you are. You don’t think I didn’t notice you didn’t want to invite me to dinner tonight? That I didn’t hear what Renjun said? You think I don’t see how annoyed you all get when all I’m doing is doing my fucking job? The company asked me to be annoying, I’m not hurting you every second of the day because I want to! And you can tell Mark that none of you, NONE, have any right to wonder about my whereabouts or ask me if something is wrong. None of you wanted me earlier tonight. The hyungs made me feel unwelcome in my room, they didn’t notice or simply didn’t care about the fact that I had been crying. The hyungs on the other floor had gone out to eat without caring if I wanted to join in or not. You guys didn’t give a fuck that I was practically running out the practice room before. I’m tired of getting stepped on because of something I can’t control. I’m tired of you not inviting me to things because you want space from annoying me. I’m tired of you deliberately hurting me because you’re mad because of something I had to do! I understand, I really do, that I’m annoying and loud and too fucking much. But I’m also allowed to have feelings, and I’m allowed to feel hurt about this just as the rest of you have. I’m allowed to want some peace and quiet as well, and you do NOT get to fucking judge me for it. You didn’t want me there and guess what Jaemin? Sometimes I don’t want to be there either. 

”I don’t care about your feelings tonight, because I need to look after my own. You’ll just have to trust that I can take care of myself and that I am adult enough to not ruin or reputation because I want revenger or whatever the fuck. I’ll be home before our next schedule and I’ll do my fucking job as well as I always do. But I have no obligation to tell you where I am or when I’m getting home. You wanted space? I’m giving you fucking space? And guess, I’m giving myself some space as well. I’m tired of being you punching bag, I need to, for once, care about my own wellbeing. 

”I love you Jaemin, just as much as I love the rest, but right now I’m just really fucking done. We can talk about this once we’re all ready for it but right now I’m not. Good night, Jaemin.” Donghyuck hug up the phone, not caring about Jaemin’s pleadings that he please not hang up and then he turned his phone off. He knew he needed to talk to them eventually and that that eventually would come a lot quicker than he expected, but this night was for him and him only. Even if just for a moment, Donghyuck needed to be completely alone. He needed to, for once, put himself first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll try updating the second part as soon as I have time!


	7. Apologies (part two)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear Jesus, this was hard to write. It took me time to be able to write down the feelings that I wanted to portray, and I'm still not quite sure I did. What I want to say with this chapter, is that if you're ever angry at or have been hurt by someone you care abut a lot, and you don't want to loose them, try seeing the issue from both sides of the argument. Recognize your own feelings, but also the other person's. 
> 
> I'm sorry you had to wait this long for this chapter, but like I said, this was a struggle to write. I do have some other tiny stories in the works though, so hopefully you won't have to wait as long for another update. 
> 
> Have a lovely day, everyone<3 Happy reading!

Once Donghyuck finished his dinner he ordered some desert type rice, which he enjoyed slowly in order to let time pass. The woman who owned the restaurant didn’t comment on the fact that Donghyuck had been sitting in there for well over two hours or that his eyes were rimmed red. She only gave him a kind smile and put down a cup of hot chocolate in front of him. 

”It’s on the house” she said brightly. ”Hot chocolate does wonder for the soul, it soothes and sweetens even the darkest days.” With that, she left him for his own devices for yet another hour, Donghyuck slowly sipping on the hot liquid while he read a book he had found in the bottom of his bag. Once the clock turned four am, the restaurant was about to close and Donghyuck knew he had to leave. He got up to pay, and was surprised about how much the room spun around him once he got up. He knew he was tired, but it seemed he had underestimated how much by quite a lot. He needed rest, soon, or he would definitely pass out during the next day’s schedule. He payed the kind woman quickly, thanking her for a delicious meal and the woman laughed and reached over to pinch his cheek gently. 

”Always” she said, chuckling. ”I’ll welcome my favorite customer any time he wants.” Donghyuck blushed over the heart warming words, bowed to the woman as he thanked her once more, and then he turned around and left the restaurant. Outside, it was quiet and quite cold. Reluctantly, the young man started making his way towards the dorm building, the ten to fifteen minute walk turning into forty. His legs were aching and he was still dizzy from the immense exhaustion his body was experiencing. Once he reached his dorm building, it was close to five in the morning and Donghyuck was ready to pass out. He dragged himself up the stairs, the elevator currently not functioning, and once he finally stood in front of his apartment door he could cry from the relief that he could sleep soon. He pressed in the code sluggishly, barely registering the sound of the door unlocking. He opened the door quietly and snuck inside. It was eerily quiet and so Donghyuck assumed everyone was probably asleep. Somewhere inside of him, his chest was aching at the notion that they had gone to bed despite him being ’missing,’ but he was too exhausted to linger on that thought for long. He dragged himself over to the couch in the living room, pulled his favorite couch cushion and blanket off the couch and then he laid down on the rug beneath the couch. He was freezing, so he wrapped himself up tightly, turning himself into a blanket burrito. He then put his head on the cushion, and passed out. 

He had a vague feeling he was floating, in the middle of the night, but his tired mind couldn’t comprehend what was happening to him. All he knew was that he got warmer, felt like the blanket held him tighter and so he curled up closer to the warmth. He might’ve let out a content hum, or perhaps he remained silent. Then he was on cotton. Comfortableness and warmth was surrounding him all over. It felt a bit lighter outside of his eyelids, but he had no energy to actually open his eyes in order to check. Instead, he drifted, let the call from dream land lull him back to sleep. 

He felt like someone was talking softly in his ear, like someone was stroking his hair. Like a drop of something warm landed on his forehead, like a quiet sob in the distance. He felt like there was an apology whispered into his ear, like someone was pressing a kiss onto his face. It was a nice dream. He let himself drift again, chasing the comfort that he so rarely got. 

At some point he felt like he was crying. He had dreamt of harsh words and angry shouting, had dreamt of disappointment and resentment and not being good enough. His breathing was fast, small sobs coming out of his mouth. He felt like he was immediately engulfed in warmth, like someone was holding his hand, drumming small patterns onto his skin. Humming around him, until he fell quiet, and let himself drift again. Then, there were no more dreams, no more feelings of anything. Only comfort and quiet. It was nice. Donghyuck might’ve smiled, just a little bit. That was nice too. 

Once Donghyuck finally woke up properly, the first thing he registered was the immense aching of his entire body. Everything hurt. His breathing was painful, the slight twitch of his hands was painful, even his eyelids were aching. It had been a while since he had danced ballet, even longer since he had danced for such a long time, and he was feeling it. He cursed himself in his head. He had told Jaemin he would be able to do his schedule as usual, but at this point he didn’t even know if he would be able to get up from the bed. 

Donghyuck’s mind paused. Bed? Come to think of it, it no longer felt like he was laying on the living room rug. Instead it felt like he was laying in his bed, warmth coming in from all angles. Now that Donghyuck was actively thinking about it, he realized that the engulfing warmth was in fact two bodies holding him tightly between them. Donghyuck’s eyes flew open, shocked from the realization. He was met with the sight of a sturdy yet delicate chest. Taeyong, then. Behind him, one arm had been put underneath his head and one was laying on his stomach, holding protectively. Donghyuck only needed one look at the hand to know that it belonged to his roommate. Johnny didn’t usually enjoy cuddling, but when he did indulge any of the others he would hold them just like he was holding him now. And while it was nice, being coddled like that, Donghyuck didn’t really understand why. Weren’t his hyungs annoyed with him? They had been angry before, right? They had wanted him to leave? God, why was he so confused? It felt like his head was made out of cotton, his head heavy in more ways than one. He couldn’t help but wonder what time it was, so he made an immense effort to look at his wrist, where his fit bit was still sitting. 11 am. The sight of the numbers made Donghyuck’s exhausted mind wake up a little. Didn’t they have dance practice this morning? At what time had the trainer said? Donghyuck raffled through his mind for the answer, at first coming up short. The trainer had said something, but he was having a hard time forming proper thoughts. He closed his eyes and breathed for a moment. ’Think, Hyuckie, think’ he thought to himself. After a moment, the truth came to him.

9 am. 

”FUCK” Donghyuck exclaimed and ripped himself out of his hyungs’ arms and out of bed. Once on his feet, he let out a cry of shock as his body couldn’t really hold his weight, the aching multiplying tenfold once he was standing. He started sinking to the floor, but was caught before it happened and was swiftly pulled up into a pair of thin, yet strong arms. Donghyuck opened his eyes once more, no remembrance of when he had closed them, and looked at his savior with shock evident in his eyes. ”Jaemin” he got out. Jaemin sunk down onto Donghyuck’s bed, Taeyong and Johnny both awake, staring at the two younger males. Jaemin looked terrible. His hair was a mess, he looked like he hadn’t slept at any point of the night, his eyes were red and swollen and Donghyuck realized to his horror that the younger male had been crying. Looking at his hyungs, he realized the two looked about the same. All three of them were staring at Hyuck, worry, sadness and remorse shining through their beings. Donghyuck was so confused.

”Hyungs” he managed to get out. ”Dance practice?”

Johnny shook his head. ”It was cancelled Hyuck, we thought we could use a day for ourselves considering what happened yesterday.”

Donghyuck stared at him, not comprehending what the older man meant.

Johnny sighed. ”Jaemin called me in a frenzy last night, after he spoke to you. Told me what had happened when you spoke and that he didn’t know where you had gone. He told me he had tried calling you several more times, but that the call was immediately sent to voice mail. Safe to say, I freaked out.”

”He wrote in the group chat” Taeyong continued, not caring that Donghyuck looked absolutely mortified. ”That you had gone missing. We all gathered in the dorm, Dreamies and 127 both, and Jaemin retold what you had told him. Jaemin told us you didn’t want to be found, but we couldn’t just let you roam the streets all alone in the middle of the night. Not because we don’t think you aren’t responsible and that you would mess up somehow, never because of that. Because it’s dangerous, your phone was turned off and you were all alone, a young idol in one of the most dangerous parts of Seoul. We parted into groups, all of us, and went out looking for you. We looked for hours, but we couldn’t find you anywhere. Yuta was convinced you had been kidnapped and was getting ready to call the police.” Taeyong paused, looking pained. 

Jaemin took it upon himself to continue the story. ”I know it was wrong of me to blabber to the rest first thing I did but Hyuckie I was so worried.” Jaemin’s voice was shaking. ”You sounded so dejected on the phone, so tired and done with everything and everyone, and because of what I said I had made you think that we didn’t trust you at all. I was afraid you would do something dangerous because you were upset, or get taken advantage of when you were vulnerable. When we couldn’t find you, I thought the worst had happened. Everyone was crying. Renjun was a mess. He still is. He felt so guilty, saying he was the cause of all of this. We were all crying honestly. Our last resort was coming back here, hoping you might’ve come back. I made the rest of the kids go back to our dorm while I came along with the hyungs. Once we got into the apartment we found your bag, and Johnny ran to your room. But you weren’t there, and I started freaking out even more. But then I saw your foot peeking out behind the couch. I tried so hard to wake you up, Hyuck, but it was like you were dead to the world. Eventually, Johnny just picked you up and carried you to bed. You were ice cold, so Johnny and Taeyong laid down with you in order for you to stop shaking. Doyoung and I shared the other bed, after we had looked you over to make sure you were really alright. I cried on you. I’m so sorry.” Jaemin choked on a sob, and Johnny put an arm around him. 

”You slept soundly, mostly” Johnny continued. ”But we woke up once because you started crying in your sleep. Doyoung held your hand while we held you tighter in between us. Jaemin whispered words of comfort in your ear, hoping it would reach you wherever you were. After a while, you calmed down, and continued sleeping. Eventually, we fell asleep as well. Doyoung got up a while ago in order to make breakfast for everyone. They all insisted on coming here, so we could talk it out. We understand that it might be overwhelming for you, Donghyuck, but we need to do it. We never realized we made you feel unwelcome. I don’t think any of us really even understood what we were doing to you. But that doesn’t make it okay, what we did, and we need to really apologize and talk about this so that it won’t happen again in the future.” 

Donghyuck stared at the three for a long time. His sluggish brain had finally started working again, but it took time to really understand what they had told him. When he finished processing, he felt guilty and upset. ”I’m so sorry” he began. ”I realize how immature it was of me to turn off my phone like that. You had no way of reaching me and I had no way of calling for help if I needed it. It was irresponsible and stupid, but it felt right at the time. I was just so hurt and so angry, and I wanted to, even if just for a moment, let you guys know what it felt like to be left on read. To be left with no answers, feeling disconnected and alone. I know you guys love me, I know that. I love all of you as well. And mostly, you all look after me really well, and I’d like to think I try to look after all of you as well. But of course I’m going to notice that you’re leaving me out, that you’ve stopped talking to me about your troubles and stopped inviting me to do things. Of course I’ll notice. You’re all I have, all my friends are back home in Jeju. I can’t go out and meet up with anyone else, like you all do sometimes. I only ever hang out with you guys. I understand that you sometimes need space from me, as Haechan’s whole image is being annoying. But I’m not Haechan. Haechan is a persona I put on, because the company asked me to. Donghyuck is also annoying, but he would never cross the line that Haechan is being forced to cross all the time, and I feel like you guys have forgotten that. I never meant to hurt any of you intentionally. I never wanted to make any of you genuinely angry. I never wanted you to feel like I can’t be trusted. I was just doing my job.” Donghyuck choked on a sob, and immediately Jaemin grabbed onto him and pulled him into his arms. 

”These last few months have been really hard” Donghyuck forced out. ”I’ve had zero time to rest and I feel like I can’t keep up with any of you. I don’t have time to learn anything properly and because of that all of you thought I was joking around and not taking things seriously. But I did! I really did, I just had too much to do. So much that I never had the time to spend enough time on anything. On top of that, we’ve had to do lots of V-lives and TV-appearances, in all of which I’ve had to be Haechan. I understand all of you got an overdose from all what Haechan is, I understand you wanted space from him. But getting space from Haechan also meant getting space from Donghyuck, and so I was left alone. During these last few months I’ve had no one to talk to, because all of you have been avoiding me like plague whenever it comes to talking about serious topics. 

”However” he continued. ”It’s not you guys’ fault. You can’t help but feeling what you’re feeling, and like I said, I understand. I understand how exhausting it must’ve been to be around me all the time. I understand why you left me out. But it doesn’t make it hurt any less for me. I understand that you were only looking after yourselves, protecting yourselves. But god, it hurts. I hurts to know that the people that matter most to you think you’re a burden that they preferably wouldn’t want to be around. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I’ve made you feel like that, even though it was never my intention. I’m so sorry I’ve made you dislike me enough to actually start avoiding me. I’m sorry I as Haechan have hurt you with my words time and time again. I’m sorry I’ve not been able to focus properly. I’m sorry I’ve been messing up so much. I didn’t mean to do it, I never want to be purposefully a pain in the ass. But I’m just so tired. I’m so tired.” Donghyuck was sobbing now, tears running down his face in rapid succession. He buried his head in his hands, furiously trying to wipe the tears away. But they wouldn’t stop. Donghyuck was tired of pretending he was doing fine, was tired of pretending like everything didn’t hurt, like his head wasn’t constantly aching from eternal exhaustion. Was tired of pretending like he wasn’t feeling left out, was tired of feeling like he didn’t matter. It wasn’t until he had vocally expressed his feelings that he really realized how horrible the last few months had been. Donghyuck was just so, so tired, and no matter how much he wanted to, he couldn’t find the energy to make the tears stop. 

Jaemin held onto Donghyuck tightly, dragging him into his lap as the slightly older male continued crying. The wounded sounds Donghyuck was letting out was breaking Jaemin’s heart. Not once during all these months had they considered how Donghyuck was doing, that they might be hurting him too. Not once had they stopped to think, that while Haechan was annoying as shit and that he sometimes said things that really hurt, Donghyuck never did. Once the cameras had stopped rolling, Haechan disappeared and was replaced by Donghyuck, who, as the weeks had passed by, had become more and more quiet. More and more isolated from the rest of them. And it was their fault. They had pushed him away, made him feel unwelcome. They had had each other to lean on, while they had left Donghyuck behind to fend for himself. None of them had noticed how much he had been struggling, they had just thought he was being his usual annoying self and purposefully wanted to make their lives more difficult. Not once had they stopped to consider that maybe, Donghyuck had too much on his plate, that he didn’t have the time to learn as fast as the rest of them. While they all had thought Donghyuck was selfish and inconsiderate, in reality it was the other way around. They hadn’t been there for him when he desperately had needed them to be and yet, he wasn’t blaming them. Instead here he was, crying his eyes out, apologizing to them for having unintentionally annoyed them. Jaemin felt horrible. The guilt was running though his entire body, pulling at his heart strings and making his heart ache. How had they not noticed how much Donghyuck was hurting? How much they were hurting him? 

”I’m so sorry Hyuckie” Jaemin mumbled in his ear, tears running down his face. ”None of this is your fault and I’m so sorry we haven’t been there for you, that we left you behind whilst the rest of us kept moving forward without you.”

Donghyuck shook his head. ”Not your fault” he sobbed out. ” I should’ve told management I couldn’t keep up. I just didn't want to be more of a burden than I already was. I’m sorry.” 

”No Hyuck, you have nothing to be sorry about” Taeyong interjected. ”You’ve done nothing other than doing your job and I’m so sorry we couldn’t see that.”

Johnny grabbed the younger’s hand, holding on tightly. ”We’re the ones that failed you. We should have realized that Haechan and Donghyuck are separate people, because we know they are. I don’t understand why we suddenly started thinking there weren’t. We should have seen how much you were hurting but we didn’t, and I can’t apologize enough for that. Yes, when we started hurting you and when you started feeling like everything was becoming too much for you to handle, you should have told one of us. But I can’t blame you for not coming to us. I don’t feel like we gave you much opportunity to do so. I know you’re blaming yourself for most of the things that have happened, but you really shouldn’t. You should be blaming us. You’re our little brother, our friend. You work hard and you always try to make everyone around you laugh and feel a little better when we have long recordings. You look after all of us by making us food, by waking us up in the morning, by just being there for us. But instead of recognizing your kindness and everything you’ve done for us all we saw was that one thing that annoyed us. But I promise you that I will never ever do it again. It’s time I take responsibility for my actions and start thinking about other people than myself. We’ve all had a hard time lately, and my guess is that you became an easy target, a scape goat to blame for all our shortcomings. And Donghyuck, baby, that’s never okay, and I’m so sorry. I know everyone else is too, but they want to tell you that themselves. I’m not asking you to forgive me right now, you owe me or the others no such thing. You can feel angry and upset and betrayed for as long as you’d like. I just hope that one day, you might find it in your heart to forgive me, us, for being so horrible to you.”

”I know it might not feel like it right now” Taeyong said softly, carding his hand through Donghyuck’s hair. ”But we all love you Hyuck. A lot. We just lost sight of what was important and stopped thinking about how our actions may be portrayed by you. I love you, and I hope you’ll be able to forgive me eventually. Until then I will work my hardest to gain your trust back.”

”Me too” Jaemin mumbled into Donghyuck’s neck, where he had burrowed his face. ”I’m so sorry I hurt you this much, that I didn’t realize what I, and the rest, were doing to you. I’m so so Hyuck.” Jaemin couldn’t stop crying. Here he had thought Donghyuck was just making things difficult, that he had been selfish, when in reality it had been the other way around. He had been struggling so much and still he had managed to keep up pretty well with schedules, had kept a happy grin on his face even as everything was probably just hurting him. ”You’re so strong Hyuck. You’ve been fighting alone all this time, and I’m so sorry I let that happen. But I promise you, it’ll never happen again. No matter what happens, I’ll be there for you. Because I love you. I love you so much and I’m so sorry that I hurt someone I love this much.”

Once Jaemin stopped talking, everything was quiet, except for the occasional sniffling around the room. Hyuck still had tears streaming down his face, but the sobbing had ceased and he looked calmer than he had in a long time. Donghyuck still largely thought he was to blame for everything that had happened. If he’d just told management he didn’t want to keep the super annoying persona, this might’ve never happened. If only he’d spoken up sooner about how much he was struggling, things never would’ve gotten this bad. But at the same time, it was nice hearing the others apologize, it was nice hearing them recognize that even though he had hurt them, they had hurt him too, and that they were sorry for that. I was nice hearing that they loved him, that they cared for him. It was nice, even if he couldn’t really find it in him to believe them just yet, that they’d never leave them behind again. But perhaps one day, he would believe it. And that was all they were asking for really. A chance. A chance that he was more than willing to give them. Because he loved them. He loved them more than words could describe. They were his family, and even family make mistakes and hurt each other sometimes. No matter what they said, they were not solely responsible for this mess, and because of what they had told him Donghyuck realized, finally, completely, that neither was he. Knowing that, was nice. 

”There’s nothing to forgive” he spoke up quietly, and was immediately met with protests. ”No” he interrupted them. ”I mean it. Yes, you hurt me, I recognize that, but so did I and I am very sorry for that. But I just want to put all that behind me. No one is to blame, not really. We all should have handled things differently and all that is left right now is to make sure it won’t happen again. There is nothing to forgive. But nonetheless, I forgive you. I love all of you too much to not to. I don’t know if I can trust you all just yet though. Even if you’ve promised I’m still scared that something like this will happen again. I’m sorry” he said and lowered his head, ashamed. Here they were being to kind, and he was being so hard to please. 

”No, Hyckie” they all exclaimed. ”Never, ever apologize for not feeling like you can trust us just yet” Johnny continued. ”We broke your trust by leaving you behind, and while you have forgiven us for that, which is way more than what we deserve, it’s still gonna take time to rebuild that trust. And that’s fine. You don’t owe us your trust, it’s something we need to regain by earning it. And we will, with time. We’ll try our hardest, and when you’re ready to trust us again, you’ll know. I promise you that. We’ll be here no matter what. We’ll wait for you, because it’s what you deserve. We’ll help pull you forward, like we should have a long time ago.”

Hyuck teared up again. ”Hyung” he whimpered and stretched out his arms. Johnny immediately moved in, curling his arms around Donghyuck’s body and pulled him out of Jaemin’s lap and into his own. He held the younger close, whispering reassurances in his ear, promises that he’d never leave him, never disappoint him again. Jaemin and Taeyong remained next to the two, holding Donghyuck’s hands, when he reached out for them, tightly. 

Things still weren’t alright. Donghyuck would still have to have this very difficult conversation with the rest of the members. There would be more tears, especially between Donghyuck and Renjun, who felt horrible for what he had said and how he had acted. There were a lot of apologies to be made and accepted and pushed away, and it would take time until trust had been rebuilt between all of them. Donghyuck was still exhausted, still over worked and tired of the roll he had to play and he still needed to talk to management about it. But this time, he wouldn’t have to face it alone. Taeyong would be there holding his hand throughout every conversation with the higher ups. Mark would be there to sing songs and have quiet fun. Johnny and Jaemin would be there to cuddle him at night. Renjun would be a quiet support and voice of reason through every tearful moment Donghyuck would have. All his members, all the people he cherished and loved would be there every step of the way. And like they had promised, they would never leave him behind again. They would never break his trust again. In return, Donghyuck would be kinder, more mindful of the people around him. He would go back to being his happy go lucky self, whose most important job would be to make other people feel welcome and secure in situations that were naturally uncomfortable. He would laugh and smile and sing loudly. He would go out shopping, eating and drinking with his members. Things would never be perfect, because things rarely were. Mistakes would still be made, tears would still be spilled because of each other and harsh words would be shared. But there would also be immediate apologies and conversations and hugs. There would never again be silent treatments, quiet anger and ignorance of others feelings. 

Slowly, surely, things would become easier. Slowly, surely, one day the trust between Donghyuck and the people he loved most would be restored, stronger than it ever had been before. 

That day, would be beautiful.


	8. baby I'm in stress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things aren't always what they seem.

WARNING: This chapter is a depiction of the kind of anxiety that I suffer with. It also touches onto society’s incredibly toxic view on weight. I haven’t been diagnosed with anxiety or anything, and I wouldn’t say it’s all that bad, but I have been upset lately and I need to project onto something before I explode. If you are in any way triggered by anxiety, weight-insecurities or similar, then PLEASE spare yourself and do not read this. I only want people to feel okay. I want to be okay myself. Most often, I am. But we all fall sometimes, and that’s okay too. Take care of yourselves, lovelies, and please be kind to me. This is personal to me, more than usual, and I’d rather not get hurt in my safe place. Thank you Xx

When Haechan is young, when he is still Donghyuck and nothing ever hurts, feeling insecure or bad about yourself just isn’t a thing. Kids are wonderful like that, aren’t they? They see you without judgement of who you are inside, they never get mad about you being different from them. They just accept that, oh, this person isn’t what I’m like and well, I don’t really care as long as they let me play with the doll that I like and they play with the other one. They are straight forward, in that way. Simple. They don’t spend hours thinking about how to look, how to act, how to behave and what to become in order to make others like them. They just are. They argue and are messy and sometimes terrible, but at the same time they are bright eyes, wonderful little humans, vision not yet clouded by humanity. 

But then you grow a few years older, and suddenly things aren’t as easy anymore. Suddenly, what other people think becomes more important than your own feelings. What is happiness, if people around you aren’t smiling? Suddenly, a school nurse is telling little ten year old Donghyuck that he is a bit too ’hevay for his age’. Suddenly, a whole new sense of insecure gets implemented in you when you get home and tell your parents and they get really, really angry. Suddenly, you’re not included in play because you’re not pretty enough, not tough enough, not thin enough. Suddenly, popularity is a thing and it starts controlling how people behave towards each other. Friends become foes, people you trusted are no longer the same. Insecurity grows with people. 

When Donghyuck is ten, school is difficult. English is hard, maths confusing. His eye sight is bad, and the scribbles on the white board hard to read. He makes simple mistakes when writing in Korean, and he is so, so embarrassed. His dance teacher shakes her head at him, muttering to herself that Donghyuck will never be good enough to perform. He tells himself to work harder, to be better, to prove her wrong. To prove everyone wrong. When Donghyuck is twelve, school becomes easier. Maths make a lot more sense, Korean is now easy and English, while still hard, better. He gets better results on tests, he measures up to his class mates. He gets new glasses. He continues to be a bit too heavy. He has no fashion sense. He improves on his dancing, quite a lot. His teacher never apologizes about what she said, not even aware that Donghyuck had even heard it, but she does tell him he has improved quite a lot. Donghyuck feels happy, but the insecurity grows. It settles like a pit in his stomach, tells him to cover up every mistake with a smile, to always be perfect or he won’t ever be good enough. Fear is a new companion on his road into his teenage years, and he is not quite sure he enjoys it. Fear stays, anyway. 

Insecurity translates, onto others. Some people seem to be able to sense it, and they use it to cover up their own insecurities, to feel better about themselves. They grab every part they know you don’t like about yourself, and they try their damn hardest to break you with it. Donghyuck tries to not give in to the bullies, but it’s hard. They know what hurts him, they don’t care. Donghyuck never says anything about it. Deep down inside, he thinks they might be right. He’s too annoying, too loud, too much. It’s getting easier to hide himself though. To pretend like things don’t matter as much as they do, to pretend he doesn’t hear his parents telling him to ’maybe not eat another cake’ or that maybe he should ’try running some more’. Pretend he’s okay, when the fear keeps growing in his belly, keeps hurting his heart. He plasters on a smile and everything is fine. 

The other trainees never notice anything, Donghyuck makes sure of that. When he arrives at SM, he decides to become the person he wants to be, the person he actually might be. There are no bullies here, no parents to keep feeding his insecurities, and he will not screw this up. He won’t. He becomes Haechan, untouchable, bright, sunny, Haechan. Haechan becomes who Donghyuck desperately wishes he could be, who he maybe someday might even become. He wishes he wouldn’t be as annoying as he is, but it’s a good way of hiding the crippling fear without actually really hurting anyone. It means Mark hate him, at first. They do not ride on the same wave length, can’t see eye to eye. Mark is too kind, too soft, and Donghyuck realizes he probably has never been hurt by the world. How could he? Mark is perfect, in every sense of the word, and no matter how much Mark hates him, Donghyuck adores Mark. When he hears Mark speaking of the fact he is thinking about leaving, because of Donghyuck, Donghyuck is suddenly reminded about the fear that has now become a permanent part of his personality. Of the stomach aches, of he insecurities that he’s wrong. He apologizes to Mark, tells him Mark is the softest person Donghyuck has ever met and that he had forgotten that people could be that too. Tells Mark it’s not an excuse, but that he had been hurt a lot, and now he had put on a skin thick enough so that he won’t ever be hurt again. So thick that he didn't notice when Mark got hurt, when he felt mistreated. 

Mark, soft, innocent Mark, decided to forgive him, and the two become friends. Best friends, even. Donghyuck never mentions his hurt again, and Mark doesn’t ask, even though Donghyuck can tell he wants to. They still fight, all the time, and sometimes the fights last for a long, long time. But they always fix their issues in the end. They end up apologizing in actions more than words, which Donghyuck is okay with. As long as they feel okay, it’s okay. It’s good. Great, even. Some things can’t be expressed in words, some things are better shown in real regret, in an attempt to change. Forgiveness comes easy, once they actually try to see each other, and not just themselves. 

They debut, Donghyuck in two groups, Mark in three. He is happy, but with success, the fear grows. It has been growing steadily for years, but their debut is a debut in more ways that one. His hyungs are all so, so good, his same age friends and dongsaengs equally so. The Dreamies all deserve to be in 127 so much than him and even though they would never admit it to Donghyuck, he secretly thinks they think so too. Everyone can see that he needs more work, that he has a long way to perfection. He works harder than he ever has before. He dances until he cries from exhaustion, he tries running even though he hates it, he sings until his throat is soar. He works on stability, facial expressions, on making movements as fluid as water. He doesn't notice the tiredness, doesn’t notice the way his body is protesting vehemently. The others joke about his baby belly, so he tries another diet amongst the many he has already tried. It doesn’t really work, and he cries about it, a lot more often than he likes to admit. Nobody really notices. Just continues commenting on that fucking baby belly. 

He keeps working hard, despite a good damn stress fracture, despite gentle chiding from band members and managers alike that he needs to be kinder to his body. The anxiety has settled deep into his bones, holding him like a too constructing hug. Don’t get him wrong, on some days he feels fine. He feels beautiful and like his dancing is actually good, his singing better. He is proud of his performances and what he brings to the group. He hears his members praises and he saves every single praise in his heart, brings them out on worse days. On some days though, it’s difficult. There is a pit in his stomach when he wakes up, he is jittery and nervous, his smiles forced. He doesn't get to eat as much on those days, punishes himself for his mistakes, too nervous to think about food. He hides away from the others, blames feeling tired. They’re all tired and he’s young, so they understand. Clap him on the back when he so desperately wishes to be held, leaves him alone when he just wants them to ask if he’s okay. Wants to be able to answer no, that it’s one of those days, a worse day. An anxiety day. Instead he says nothing. He hides behind his attitude, as easy a breathing, hides hurt from remarks about his looks and mistakes he makes behind teasing eyes and a sharp tongue. Sometimes, he tries too hard, and somebody actually scolds him. On those days, he cries in the shower, cries in his bed. The tears stream silently, his quiet prayers to be seen never answered. 

He hates fighting, more than anything. He does not enjoy play fighting or being pretend annoyed, no matter how much it may seem like it. When the others jokingly act like he’s the most annoying person on the planet, the anxiety really settles in his chest, and it grows. Grows until he’s quiet, districts himself by looking at his phone and not really talking. When people ask him with a scoff if he really got hurt, he never answers what he wants to. He always says no. Tells them he didn't have breakfast and he got dizzy. It’s not a lie anyway. They look a bit worried when he says that, ask him why, but he just smiles easily and tells them he over slept and couldn’t find the time. Doesn’t tell them he stood too long in the bathroom, looking critically at himself and thinking about everything that just didn’t look right. Doesn’t tell them that he really wants to cry, right now. Clenches his shaking hands hard, pulls himself up again. It’s hard, and it hurts and he wants to lay down and close his eyes and just give up on the day, start over tomorrow. But he gets up, because he needs to. Because he wants to, somewhere deep inside. Because Haechan is not a fucking quitter. That he cries later in the bathroom, after practice has ended, is fine. Nobody has to know, and he gets through it. It’s fine. It’s not. 

Eventually, things come to a head. He is stressed, and sad, and feels like nothing is right. He is anxious and people have been in a weird mood all day. Salty remarks, play fights, pretend anger. The others all enjoy it, he does not. He distracts himself, tells himself his phone is all that matters. They others get annoyed by his disinterest, think he’s in on the fighting too. They say things, mean things, and Donghyuck explodes. He throws his phone, yells at them to go fuck themselves because he's fucking done listening to all their fucking bullshit, Can’t they see that they’re hurting him? He runs out, hides himself somewhere where they can’t find him, cries. Heaving, loud sobs. Can’t stop himself, doesn’t want to. Everything is wrong, it’s all wrong. They’ll all hate him now, for freaking out. They’ll be angry. They’ll just confirm everything he already knows is true. 

Eventually, Johnny and Taeyong find him, having been frantically looking for the last forty minutes. The rest are also looking, worried and confused. Scared. They’ve never experienced Donghyuck’s anxiety before, don’t understand what’s happening. Just know that something they did, was fucked up and wrong and that they never want it to happen again. Taeyong is the first to sink down next to Donghyuck, to say his name. Donghyuck is still crying, can’t bring himself to stop, even though they can see him, hear him. Even though they’re seeing him break apart. Johnny asks him if he can touch him. Donghyuck isn’t sure, but stretches out his hand for Johnny to take. Lets Taeyong pet his ankle with his gentle hands. They don’t say anything for a long time, except for the occasional reassurance that’s it’s okay, that he can let it all out. Donghyuck continues crying, for a long time. Clenches Johnny’s hand tightly, the older letting him without complaints. They’re worried, they want to hold him tight forever and never let go but this isn’t about what they want, it’s about their youngest, their baby, and what he needs. Right now, they’re doing all Donghyuck can manage, and for now, that’ll have to be enough. 

When Mark arrives, ignoring everyone telling him to let Donghyuck be, something in Donghyuck breaks. He starts bawling, reaching for Mark. Mark, wonderful Mark, Mark who’ve never liked affection, brings Donghyuck into his arms, holds the younger to his chest, grip tight. Holds him like he’s afraid Donghyuck will disappear if he doesn’t squeeze hard enough. Whispers praises into his ear, rocks him in his lap. Johnny and Taeyong keep sitting next to them, Johnny’s hand now resting on Donghyuck’s neck, Taeyong keeping his on the younger’s ankle. Donghyuck lets himself be held, lets other people hold him together for once. Realizes it feels good. Will realize, much later on, that he’s a lot stronger with them than he ever was alone. 

When Donghyuck’s tears finally stop running, when his breathing calms down, Mark keeps holding him. Keeps him close. Tells him over and over that he’s there for him, that he’s sorry and that Donghyuck will be okay. He only stops when Donghyuck gently taps his face, smiles a bit. He doesn't say anything, doesn’t really need to. It’s okay, his eyes say. There’s nothing to forgive. I’ll be okay. Mark doesn’t say anything either, but Donghyuck knows he understood. Words are important, but they were never really needed with them. 

Johnny breaks their bubble by asking if he can hug the youngest too, and Donghyuck lets himself be held. Lets himself gets passed over to Taeyong once Johnny has squeezed him hard and told him in his ear, low enough to be barely a breath, that he loves him. Taeyong kisses him gentle. On the forehead, on his cheek, on the tip of his nose. Wipes away his tears, and then kisses him again. This time on the corner of his mouth. It’s not something Taeyong does often, his ultimate show of affection, and Donghyuck feels honored to be the recipient of that. He’s exhausted from all the crying, the tiredness settling into his bones and making his eyes droopy. His head hurts a little bit, and he realizes he is both thirsty and hungry. He’s warm though and he feels protected in their hold. Is no longer afraid they’ll hate him. They just saw him at his worst, and they’re still with him. He lets himself believe that they’ll stay. For the first time in a long time, there is no fear. The anxiety is quiet, has dissipated, has been replaced with love. He knows it won’t be forever. He knows while tomorrow might be good, the next day even better, maybe the entire month light and easy, it’ll come back eventually. It always does. A life long of insecurity, fear and building anxiety just doesn’t go away over night. Next time though, he might not have to fight it alone. 

He knows there will be long talks. He knows by the look in his three hyung’s faces that they won’t just let this go, that they can’t let it go. He feels strangely okay with it. It won’t be easy, admitting the truth, admitting that maybe he isn’t as untouchable as they seem to have believed. It feels like relief. The lying, his secret, was eating away at him and he can finally let it go. He knows they won’t judge him. They never have, never will. He has always known that. It was just really difficult before, letting people come close. Letting people see the part of him he has tried his hardest to hide, the part of him he has been the most ashamed of. But they are still with him. They haven’t left, won’t leave either. Before, on bad days, Donghyuck used to feel like he was alone even though he was in a room filled with people. Next time, on the next day, maybe he will feel less like he is in a dark pit with no way out and no one to call for help. Next time, they’ll know, and they will do what they can to help. Donghyuck knows it’s true. He can see it in their eyes. 

Scared still. Confused. Insecurities eating him from the inside out. But not lonely. Not alone. He had convinced himself before that alone was the least hurtful way. He was wrong. Next time, when strength is hard found within himself, there will be hands to pull him along. There will be strength to borrow, and that will be okay too. Donghyuck won't be better alone, and finally, finally, he realizes that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this update took such a long time. I lost inspiration for a while, uni was hard. Other things were hard. Life isn't always great, but it's not bad either. We'll live through the bad days so we can experience the good. We'll be okay, I promise. I'm sorry if this was a huge mess. I promise I'll put out some fluff as well, where everything is beautiful and nothing hurts. 
> 
> Have a lovely one, pretties<3


	9. Hugs (part one)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donghyuck, surprisingly, doesn't really like hugging all that much. Which is a shame, because his hugs are fucking perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a Donghyuck x some of the other members! ALL FLUFF!!!!! MAYBE TINY HURT BUT STILL ALL CUDDLES AND FLUFF AND RAINBOWS. There will be several tiny chapters! Enjoy!!!

When Donghyuck enters the Dreamy dorm, there’s a lot of screaming. To his surprise, not the good kind. He knows there have been tensions lately, but for all of them (even Jaemin) to be this angry is unusual and uncomfortable. Chenle and Jisung aren’t even there, which makes the entire thing even stranger, none of the other three are much for fighting (Renjun would kill any bitch but he’s an aries, they’re not angry for very long and not as often as you would think). Donghyuck looks to his right, meeting Mark’s equally bewildered eyes. 

”What the fuck” Mark breathes out, intelligently. ”What caused this?”

”How am I supposed to know, dipshit” Hyuck answers with an eye roll and teasing smile, which earns him a hard punch to the arm (which he does not whine about, thank you very much). ”I guess we’ll just have to find out” he sighs. ”They never fight, ever. Only every with me and it can’t have been because of me this time because I haven’t seen them for a week and then we didn’t fight at all.”

Mark shakes his head. ”Weird” he mutters. ”You’re right, they’re only ever angry because of you. So you’re probably the cause of this, unknowingly or not.”

”Hey!”

”What?! Ouch Hyuck, you didn't have to punch me in the throat, you know I’m right!”

”That doesn’t mean you have to say it, asshole” Hyuck exclaims, passionately punching Mark in the stomach because one punch just wasn’t enough. ”I don’t even know what I’ve done” he whines. 

Mark smiles at him, endeared, as he rubs his stomach (Hyuck was scrawny, but he played dirty and always hit you where it hurt the most). ”Cute” he breathes, which Hyuck decides not to hear. ”I’m sure it’s nothing serious Hyuckie” he says and reaches out to hold the other’s hand. ”Even if you’re the cause of all their rage, they also love you the most and never stay angry with you for more than five seconds at a time.”

Hyuck hmphs, but keeps holding Mark’s hand. ”No, the only person who stays mad for five billion years is you, idiot. Still unbelievable that our summer fight was caused because of your absolute refusal to recognize that you were in love with me, something I had known since we were like.. fifteen.”

This time it’s Mark who whines. ”I was embarrassed okay?! And you were flirting with me like… all the time! And, AND! You kept looking at me like a was something you could eat and I was concerned! What if I misread the signals? What if you were a cannibal or something and just wanted to taste my pretty flesh (”That’s disgusting Markie, never say that again”). And also” Mark quiet’s down, for a moment. ”I was so scared that it didn’t mean anything to you, and that you would hate me if I told you the truth. So I chose to push you away instead, to be mean, which was so mean of me and I am so sorry, still.”

Donghyuck looks at Mark with a soft smile. ”It’s alright Markie” He says. ”I understand. We’ve talked about it, and you’ve gotten so much better. I’ve also gotten better at giving you space. We’re okay. There’s nothing to be sorry for, anymore.” 

Mark looks at Hyuck, so so in love, but also still sorry and still afraid. Always a little afraid, that it’s not really reality. 

Hyuck shakes his head. ”I can literally hear your brain go crazy, stop that right now.”

”Stop reading my mind!”

”Stop deflecting then!” Hyuck is smiling though and so is Mark, to his own surprise. ”Now, let’s go confront the three idiots in there and why they’re being stupid” Mark nods, makes to walk off, but Donghyuck stops him, gently. ”Before that. Would you like a hug?”

Mark light up, instantly. To everyone’s surprise, Donghyuck definitely isn’t as clingy as Haechan. He enjoys hand holding a l lot but hugging in not really his thing. Which sucks, because Donghyuck gives the best hugs. ”YES” he cheers, and Donghyuck is still laughing as he wraps his arms around Mark’s body. Mark instantly melts, gooey in Donghyuck’s gentle hold. ”God” he got out after a while. ”I fucking love your hugs.”

Donghyuck laughs again, and reaches back so he can peck those perfect lips attached to the boy infront of him. ”Well, you’re not so bad either.”


End file.
